Frost on the 17th Sept. You,re aving a larf.

[trainman]

an old favourite of mine...

soft
Southerners theory..............

50F degrees
People in southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40F degrees
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35F degrees
Cars in the south of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20F degrees
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts

15F degrees
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry

Zero degrees
Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10F degrees
Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

Minus 80F degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

Minus 100F degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

Minus 173F degrees
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

Minus 297F degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460F degrees
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500F degrees
Hell freezes over
Scotland wins the World Cup

[ROBCamra]

an old favourite of mine...

And one of mine. Excuse all the *.

EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A LONDONER
WHO MOVED TO THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

DEC. 20th.
It’s starting to snow; the first we have seen in years.
The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the veranda watching the white fluffy snow flakes drift gently down caressing the trees and covering the ground;
It is so peaceful here.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the landscape; what a fantastic sight. Every tree and bush is covered in a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved every moment of it.
I cleared the footpath and the drive. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered our drive with compacted snow from the roadway. The driver smiled and waved-I waved back and shovelled the snow away again.

DEC28th.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and temperatures dropped around minus 8 degrees.
Several branches from our trees snapped due to the weight of the snow and I shovelled the drive again. Shortly after the snowplough came and did his trick again- much of the snow a brownish-grey colour.

JAN 1st.
It warmed during the day to create a wet slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. I bought some snow tyres for both our cars but fell on my arse on the driveway- £100 for the physiotherapist but nothing broke. More snow expected.

JAN 5th.
Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Landrover to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
Had another 8 inches of that white sh*t last night and both cars are covered over with salt and iced up slush.
More shovelling in store for me. The bastard snowplough came past twice today.

JAN 8th.
More f*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our land that has not been damaged. Power off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater that tipped over and nearly burnt the house down.
I managed to put out the fire but suffered 2nd degree burns to my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f*cking deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.

JAN13th.
F*cking bastard white sh*t keeps coming down.
Have to put on all the clothes we own to go to the f*cking post box.
If ever I catch that arsehole who drives the f*cking snow plough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my bare teeth.
I think he hides around the corner and waits until I’ve finished shovelling and then comes down the road at 100 mph and buries our driveway.

JAN17th.
15 more f*cking inches of more f*cking snow and f*cking sleet and other kinds of white sh*t fell last night.
I wounded that f*cking bastard of a snowplough driver with my ice axe but the bastard got away.
The wife has left me, the f*cking car will not start, I think I am going snow blind.
I can’t move my toes and haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More f*cking snow forecast.
Temperature 20 f*cking degrees below.
F*ck this I am going back to London…………………

[Strongers]

Are you Northerners beating your cold chests again?

Me, I still wear my coat when it's 25 degrees as I need the pocket space and refuse to carry a bag.

[Maldenman]

Me, I still wear my coat when it's 25 degrees as I need the pocket space and refuse to carry a bag.

Precisely why cargo shorts were invented Strongers!

[aleandhearty]

I've had to err shall I say "tamper" with the heating thermostat a bit to keep the Mrs and daughter from making the place like Kew Gardens Tropical House.

That's so re-assuring, not just me then.