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I have been searching the world, well Tesco to Morrisons to Sainsbury’s to find the elusive beer called “chemical fizz” ever since I discovered beer blogs. What was this intriguing grog I wondered? Where could I get it? what did it taste like?, how much did it cost?

Finally the search is over. I’ve discovered a beer that is bona fide chemical fizz, and lovely it is too!

Tesco Finest Kriek Bier, a Belgian Cherry Beer on the special at 97p a bottle seems a bit pricey for 250ml of 3.2% grog even on discount but when I saw the ingredients I almost whooped aloud in joy.

Water, malt, Wheat, Hops, Sugar, Cherry Juice, Flavour, Ascorbic Acid, Propylene Glycol Alginate, Artificial Sweetener. Good God, it’s the Holy Grail of beer, it’s chemical fizz! I mean Propylene Glycol Alginate! Yes Yes Yes! Chemical Fizz!

Propylene Glycol Alginate is E405 to chemical fizz fans. An emulsifier, stabilizer and thickener used everything from food to polymer production. In beer it improves the performance of the bubble.

The thing about chemicals is that they are genuinely healthy. On a basic level food preservatives extend human life rather than reduce it by the simple act of reducing food poisoning caused by rotten food. All the organic hippy health nuts basically are wrong. Human longevity has been increasing all the time food production has been industrialised and chemical food additives have been used. These chemicals go through testing and pass safety tests natural ingredients would fail. Most people over the age of 60 are alive because of a diet of unnatural chemicals prescribed by doctors to thin blood, reduce cholesterol and regulate the functioning of organs. In short if it’s got an E number it’s good for you. Organic vegans beware; you are going to die early.

I’ve drunk a few fruit beers before. Bacchus, Fruli and the like, and have long known I quite like this type of fruity girly grog. You know what? I’m cool with that. It’s the 21st century, I’m happy with my feminine side. I have no more a problem drinking fizzy pink wine as borrowing a dab of the squeezes moisturiser after a shave. Shave. Google it. It’s what none beer geeks do. It involves razors and foam and stuff.

But what is this chemical fizz like? Bloody lovely. Fruity, fizzy with a nice thicker mouthfeel you don’t quiet get from real proper alcopops. If an alcopop is a sorbet, this is a scoop of ice cream. One of these days I might bother to try an actual sour lambic beer but as the popular style is to fruit them up to make them palatable I’m not looking forward to it. It’s the sugar and the chemicals that make it so nice.

They should but sugar and chemicals in everything. Let’s face it, Frosties are nicer than Corn Flakes, Vimto is nicer than water and chemical fizz is soooo much nicer than pong.