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Thread: Hands Off Santa

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    This Space For Hire arwkrite's Avatar
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    Default Hands Off Santa

    Well it was bound to happen the Health Police have criminalized Santa. He is Obese and should be out of that sleigh and jogging with the reindeer .Santa eats to many mince pies and the amount of sherry he drinks would soon put him dangerously over the drink drive limit.
    Children are more aware of Santa than that clown Ronald MacDonald which does not surprise me 'cause Santa brings you prezzies and Ronald is more likely to give you a stomach upset. I thought that was an odd comparison given the stick Big Mac gets off the Health police.
    A couple of Australians (strewth) reckon Santa promotes obesity, speeding and a lifestyle that is not healthy.They missed out exceeding the allowed working hours of reindeer and dangerous over loading of a goods vehicle.Santa should be portrayed an individual not given to excess.This should give work to the ragtrade as new thin santa suits are made. Sad news however for the grape treaders of Jerez as Santa will be made to drink cranberry juice (which I believe is greatly enhanced by a treble of vodka).
    What next? The Noise Abatement Society banning "Jingle Bells" ?

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    Official JDW Tester hopwas's Avatar
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    Obesity

    If Santa visits 156 million homes and has a mince pie in each of them, he will consume 31 BILLION calories - enough to keep him going for the rest of the year

    Drink-driving

    Visiting households at a rate of 1,400 per second, Santa would be over the legal drink-drive limit in a flash he downed a 25ml measure of sherry with each delivery. He would be more than 47 MILLION times over the limit by the end of night!

    Speeding

    Taking time zones into account, Santa has about 31 hours to deliver an estimated 700 million gifts on Xmas Eve. To accomplish this, he sleigh would be need to be travelling at 1,000 miles per second.
    J.D Wetherspoon = Home of Hoppy: The Silk Kite, Tamworth.. http://www.tamworthblog.co.uk/2009/0...-blogs-review/

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    This Space For Hire arwkrite's Avatar
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    You can come up with those facts and figures whilst suffering a hangover. Amazing!!
    Any idea how much the sleigh is over its permitted weight ?.

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    Official JDW Tester hopwas's Avatar
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    I'll hold my hands up..

    It was copied off local newspaper

    No idea about permitted weight.. sorry Pal
    J.D Wetherspoon = Home of Hoppy: The Silk Kite, Tamworth.. http://www.tamworthblog.co.uk/2009/0...-blogs-review/

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopwas View Post
    I'll hold my hands up..

    It was copied off local newspaper

    No idea about permitted weight.. sorry Pal
    Now that breweries use lighter glass in their bottles, that may be less of an issue this year

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    This Space For Hire aleandhearty's Avatar
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    You're all being very cynical. It's perfectly straight-forward according to Larry Silverberg, Professor of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering at North Carolina State University:

    Silverberg is not so silly as to think that Santa and his reindeer can cover approximately 200 million square miles – making stops in some 80 million homes – in one night. Instead, he reckons that Santa uses his knowledge of the space-time continuum to form what Silverberg calls “relativity clouds.” “Based on his advanced knowledge of the theory of relativity, Santa recognizes that time can be stretched like a rubber band, that space can be squeezed like an orange and that light can be bent,” Silverberg says. “Relativity clouds are controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver presents while only a few minutes pass on Earth. The presents are truly delivered in a wink of an eye....”

    ....Santa’s reindeer are genetically engineered, of course, allowing them to fly, balance on rooftops and see in the dark...

    ....Finally, many people wonder how Santa and the reindeer can eat all the food left out for them. Silverberg says they take just a nibble at each house. The remainder is either left in the house or placed in the sleigh’s built-in food dehydrator, where it is preserved for future consumption. It takes a long time to deliver all those presents, after all.



    Seemples!
    'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.

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    Pussy Galore No 1 Oggwyn Trench's Avatar
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    You can track Santa on the NORAD web site , my son loves it .
    We always leave Santa a glass of port , the greedy sod finishes the bottle
    What the nanny state would make of my mince pies God only knows , the pastry is made from flour , butter , sugar and eggs nice and rich , then the mince is liberally drowned in Calvados . This covers the main food groups , Fat , Sugar and Alcohol

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    Official JDW Tester hopwas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oggwyn Trench View Post
    You can track Santa on the NORAD web site , my son loves it .
    We always leave Santa a glass of port , the greedy sod finishes the bottle
    What the nanny state would make of my mince pies God only knows , the pastry is made from flour , butter , sugar and eggs nice and rich , then the mince is liberally drowned in Calvados . This covers the main food groups , Fat , Sugar and Alcohol
    Had look in NORAD website, shame it only start on xmas eve...

    We always leave a proper drink called REAL ALE instead of puny port..

    We do buy from mince pies from world famous Harrods for Santa.

    Then we will leave invitation card for santa to join me in local Wetherspoon after he finished his shift..
    J.D Wetherspoon = Home of Hoppy: The Silk Kite, Tamworth.. http://www.tamworthblog.co.uk/2009/0...-blogs-review/

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    This Space For Hire arwkrite's Avatar
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    I never realised the Space Time Continuum relied on knicker elastic and a handful of Satsuma. Light bending I remember from "O" level physics but I can honestly say I never really got the hang of it. So that puts the kybosh on me ever getting Santa's job. I did once try once to apply to be one of Santas Elves but he only pays the minimum wage and it meant mucking out the reindeer stables. The only perk was as much reindeer s"*t as you could carry home in your pockets.But if Santa found out you would get the sack ( a bloody great big one with no prezzies in it).

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    Fully paid up beer belly Farway's Avatar
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    My daughter is a Santa elf, she cringes of course but it gets her out of house, likes animals etc etc

    http://www.ottersandowls.co.uk/welcome.htm

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