Didn't intend this to become a joke thread, but what the hell!
Did you hear about the amnesiac who walked into a pub and asked the barman "Do I come here often?"
A man walks into a pub and sees an alsatian at a table, sitting in on a game of poker. "Is that dog really playing poker?" he asks the barman. "Yeah, but he's rubbish" the barman replies, "Every time he get's a good hand his tail starts wagging!"
'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.
One I came across yesterday:
Asda installed a 'Robo-Doc' machine that for £10.00 and a urine sample would diagnose any condition. When Conrad went with a sore elbow, the computer printout said:
'You have tennis elbow.Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for two weeks.'
Impressed, Conrad wondered whether he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog faeces, urine samples from his wife and daughter and then he masturbated into the mixture. Next day, when he tipped it into the machine the diagnosis was as follows:
'1. Your tapwater is too hard.Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep w**king, your elbow won't get better!
Thank you for shopping with Asda.'
'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.
Just saw this video and sniggered.
Reminded me of a rant from another place
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing himto suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Meeaiioow. Put those claws away!Originally Posted by Conrad
Mind you I know just what you mean. How bizarre was that?
'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.
Good one OB.
A&H - I have to say if he could make a few more remarks like that it would be fantastic, always makes my day. No idea of where it came from though. Every now and then some bizareness on this site winds me up a little and I normally bite my tongue, I have to say people contributing in whatever time they have, in whatever way they contribute, is not one of the things that winds me up however. Although obviously if you could avoid losing your jobs whilst enjoying whatever sites you enjoy that would be good.
Can't let this thread drop off the front page, so time for a bit of good old British observational humour, but don't mention the war, I did once, but I think I got away with it!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
If we are in the mood to insult other Nations, how about this one.
The United Nations recently conducted a worldwide survey in which they asked
"Please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because,
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of world " meant!
I'm put in mind of the Fairport Convention number 'Jewel in Crown'. I reckon it should be our National Anthem. Words to follow when I can find the CD......Come on, Conrad, where's a flag I can wave..........
Last edited by runningdog; 23-01-2010 at 18:43. Reason: I still can't spell..........
Pubs are a hobby, real ale is a passion. Oh, and like me dogs, fear no evil..........
Various condoms.
What would happen if all retailers started making their own condoms and used their own slogans?
Tesco Condoms- Every little helps.
Nike Condoms- Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms- The ride of your life.
KFC Condoms- Finger Lickin' good.
Duracell Condoms- Just keep going and going and going.
Pringles Condoms- Once you pop you can't stop.
Burger King Condoms- Home of the Whopper.
Andrex Condoms- Soft, strong and very long.
McDonalds Condoms- I'm loving it.
Polo Condoms- The one with the hole.
'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.
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