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Thread: The Buffalo Theory and Beer.

  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by oldboots View Post
    ... followed on screen by KY-TV.
    ...that once covered the fictional fund-raising charity event, which mocked celebrity fawning, called 'Brown Nose Day'!

  2. #152
    Roving RAT ROBCamra's Avatar
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    Heard a Doctor on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

    I looked through the house to find all the things i've started but hadn't finished... so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.
    A pub is for life not just for Christmas

  3. #153
    Old & Bitter oldboots's Avatar
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    Oh dear did you really want to start that, try this lot (apologies for the low quality of some)

    I went to the chemist and asked "What gets rid of the Corona virus?"
    The chemist said "Ammonia cleaner"
    I said "I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"


    This morning at the Post Office, while I was in the line, two people wearing masks came in.
    TOTAL PANIC!
    Then they said "This is a robbery" and we all calmed down.


    Due to the potential problems caused by panic buying,
    some supermarkets have imposed limits until further notice.

    Asda:- 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet roll
    Tesco:- 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and a 4 pack of toilet roll
    Aldi:- 1 pink sports bra, 1 MIG welder and 1 spare wheel for a barrow



    When I was younger, the only time we started panic buying, was when the landlord shouted "last orders"

    I saw a woman using half a bra as a makeshift face mask, nice to see some people are keeping abreast of the situation.


    I used to cough to disguise my farts - now I fart to disguise my coughs.

    There's a rumour going around that President Trump excluded Europeans because he thinks germs come from Germany!


    Apparently Germans have been panic buying sausage and cheese... it’s the wurst käse scenario.

    Just been to Tesco. I asked a checkout operator if there was any toilet paper, and was told no. That walk back to the toilets with my trousers and pants round my ankles is something I never want to do again.

    If this is how the public react to the Covid-19 virus, it's no surprise that the government wouldn't tell us about aliens.

    I went into my supermarket yesterday and saw one chap with his trolley filled to the brim with mini pork pies, bite sized sausages, cherry tomatoes, paper plates and plastic cutlery.
    I realized he must have been picnic buying.


    Nail salons closed, tanning salons closed, hair salons closed, waxing salons closed....
    it's going to get ugly out there!

    The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


    If you receive an email with the subject “ding dong” dont open it, they're Jehovahs Witnesses working from home.

    A plane has 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10 year old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
    Trump says “I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to sort out the problems of the world”. He grabs one and jumps.
    Boris says “I’m needed to sort out Britain”, he grabs one and jumps.
    The Pope says “The Catholic Church needs me”, he grabs one and jumps.
    Angela says to the 10 year old “You have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, you’re only just starting”.
    The 10 year old replies “Don’t worry there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag”.

    I cannot understand why Timpsons have closed for business when we need all the key workers we can get!
    Drink drink, whoever you may be,
    we are the drunk and disorderly,
    and we’ll drink more beer wherever we may be,
    and we’ll meet you all in a pub said he.

    Dr Busker

  4. #154
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    Quote Originally Posted by oldboots View Post
    Oh dear did you really want to start that, try this lot (apologies for the low quality of some)The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


    Yes. But the WHO won't get fooled again!

    A plane has 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10 year old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
    Trump says “I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to sort out the problems of the world”. He grabs one and jumps.
    Boris says “I’m needed to sort out Britain”, he grabs one and jumps.
    The Pope says “The Catholic Church needs me”, he grabs one and jumps.
    Angela says to the 10 year old “You have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, you’re only just starting”.
    The 10 year old replies “Don’t worry there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag”.
    Wow! I haven't heard this joke for at least 38 years, when at the time the format sadly had not Trump but Nelson Mandela. And school bag was satchel.

  5. #155
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    Quote Originally Posted by oldboots View Post
    Oh dear did you really want to start that, try this lot (apologies for the low quality of some)

    I went to the chemist and asked "What gets rid of the Corona virus?"
    The chemist said "Ammonia cleaner"
    I said "I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"


    This morning at the Post Office, while I was in the line, two people wearing masks came in.
    TOTAL PANIC!
    Then they said "This is a robbery" and we all calmed down.


    Due to the potential problems caused by panic buying,
    some supermarkets have imposed limits until further notice.

    Asda:- 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet roll
    Tesco:- 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and a 4 pack of toilet roll
    Aldi:- 1 pink sports bra, 1 MIG welder and 1 spare wheel for a barrow



    When I was younger, the only time we started panic buying, was when the landlord shouted "last orders"

    I saw a woman using half a bra as a makeshift face mask, nice to see some people are keeping abreast of the situation.


    I used to cough to disguise my farts - now I fart to disguise my coughs.

    There's a rumour going around that President Trump excluded Europeans because he thinks germs come from Germany!


    Apparently Germans have been panic buying sausage and cheese... it’s the wurst käse scenario.

    Just been to Tesco. I asked a checkout operator if there was any toilet paper, and was told no. That walk back to the toilets with my trousers and pants round my ankles is something I never want to do again.

    If this is how the public react to the Covid-19 virus, it's no surprise that the government wouldn't tell us about aliens.

    I went into my supermarket yesterday and saw one chap with his trolley filled to the brim with mini pork pies, bite sized sausages, cherry tomatoes, paper plates and plastic cutlery.
    I realized he must have been picnic buying.


    Nail salons closed, tanning salons closed, hair salons closed, waxing salons closed....
    it's going to get ugly out there!

    The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


    If you receive an email with the subject “ding dong” dont open it, they're Jehovahs Witnesses working from home.

    A plane has 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10 year old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
    Trump says “I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to sort out the problems of the world”. He grabs one and jumps.
    Boris says “I’m needed to sort out Britain”, he grabs one and jumps.
    The Pope says “The Catholic Church needs me”, he grabs one and jumps.
    Angela says to the 10 year old “You have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, you’re only just starting”.
    The 10 year old replies “Don’t worry there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag”.

    I cannot understand why Timpsons have closed for business when we need all the key workers we can get!
    Top stuff .Made me laugh. cheers

  6. #156
    Old & Bitter oldboots's Avatar
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    Not strictly a joke but well done

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KPb...c#action=share


    I noticed a few other musical parodies popping up lately, Youtube looks full of them.
    Drink drink, whoever you may be,
    we are the drunk and disorderly,
    and we’ll drink more beer wherever we may be,
    and we’ll meet you all in a pub said he.

    Dr Busker

  7. #157
    This Space For Hire Aqualung's Avatar
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    Not a beer joke but topical!

  8. #158
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    Spotted on the Facebook page of the Red Lion in Rotherham ,posted on Christmas Eve.

    I’VE HEARD THAT IF YOU HAVE RELATIVES ROUND ON CHRISTMAS DAY THE POLICE CAN FORCE ENTRY AND MAKE THEM GO HOME.

    DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FREE SERVICE OR DO YOU HAVE TO BOOK?
    A pub is for life not just for Christmas

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