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Whatever your view of the British Monarchy, the big news in Britain is the announced Royal Wedding. Love or loath Liz and her family, you can expect countless telly specials and news shows dominated by the trivialities of what dress she is wearing and what cake she is having, with plenty of pompous types in suits informing us of the constitutional importance of the circus. The Dimbleby's will be rubbing their grasping hands at the overtime. It’s unavoidable. If you are a monarchists, get your flag out and wave it. If you are republican, keep your head down, get on with your life, and ignore it. If like me, you’re not sure what you are, shrug your shoulders and say “whatever”. The rest of the newspaper may be full of royal tosh, but there is always the sports section. I doubt Harry Rednapp will be expressing a view of the forthcoming nuptials.

I have no strong opinion on the monarchy myself. I think we will have them for so long as enough idiots think we need them, but in the great scheme of things and national democracy they are the least of our problems. For what it’s worth Liz seems a nice lady that’s done her best for her country. Phil the Greek seems an amusing old racist that I suspect would be quite a laugh if you’re not the type to cringe about jokes involving “chinks, darkies and fuzzy wuzzies”. Chuck seems a bit of a half wit that talks to plants and thinks he can feed his future subjects organic rubbish, but overall he has a point about architecture and ugly carbuncles. Any one that has ever worked in Coventry will agree with him there. As for Will and his half brother, Harry Hewitt, they appear decent enough chaps that like a pint and like watching the game and get pissed up every so often. I pity them in a way as every idiot pissed up thing they do is front page news. Me pulling a fat welsh lass whilst pissed up on Stella and taking her back to my Halls of Residence never got in the newspapers for my mum to read when I was in my fresher year at university. The eyes of the world notice every bird they take to the pictures.

There is one aspect to this, however, that fills me with horror. I have enough earache from the squeeze about planning our wedding and setting a firm date. Every so often she shows me a “wedding magazine” with a picture of a bird wearing a white dress and I nod and say “that is very nice” I can expect it ten times over if there is nowt but a Royal Wedding on the news. Then there is the cost. Weddings are pricey enough, and I don’t begrudge the squeeze what she wants, but I could do with her not getting any more expensive ideas inspired by Royal nuptials. I can feel my credit card melting.

It’s enough to drive you to drink. As this purports to be in some way a beer blog, albeit admittedly not a very good one, what lout would our future King and Sovereign be getting pissed up on? What grog by Royal appointment? I checked it out here. This is all the stuff the Queen agrees to stick “By Royal Appointment” on, presumably for either freebies or backhanders.

Carlsberg UK Limited, on the list, ales and lagers. So there you have it. That’s what they will be supping on their knees up. Liz, Phil, Chuck and the rest of them will be getting there laughing gear around a good honest can of Carlsberg cooking lager to celebrate. I wish them all the best. Have one on me treacle, and enjoy it. God bless her honest to goodness down to earthiness.

Come the big day, I will be drinking Carlsberg cooking lager and raising a toast to their good health. It is the patriotic thing to do. Frankly anyone not drinking lout would I suspect be committing a treasonous offence and in days gone by be sent to the tower. Crack open a tin of lout and toast them, yourself!