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Thread: Frost on the 17th Sept. You,re aving a larf.

  1. #11
    We're not really 'ere! trainman's Avatar
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    an old favourite of mine...

    soft
    Southerners theory..............

    50F degrees
    People in southern England turn on the central heating
    People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

    40F degrees
    Southerners shiver uncontrollably
    Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

    35F degrees
    Cars in the south of England refuse to start
    People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

    20F degrees
    Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
    Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts

    15F degrees
    Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
    People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry

    Zero degrees
    Life in the south grinds to a halt
    Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

    Minus 10F degrees
    Life in the south ceases to exist
    People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

    Minus 80F degrees
    Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
    Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

    Minus 100F degrees
    Santa Claus abandons North Pole
    People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

    Minus 173F degrees
    Alcohol freezes
    Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

    Minus 297F degrees
    Microbial life starts to disappear
    The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

    Minus 460F degrees
    All atomic motion stops
    Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

    Minus 500F degrees
    Hell freezes over
    Scotland wins the World Cup

  2. #12
    Roving RAT ROBCamra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trainman View Post
    an old favourite of mine...
    And one of mine. Excuse all the *.

    EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A LONDONER
    WHO MOVED TO THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

    DEC. 20th.
    It’s starting to snow; the first we have seen in years.
    The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the veranda watching the white fluffy snow flakes drift gently down caressing the trees and covering the ground;
    It is so peaceful here.

    DEC 24th
    We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the landscape; what a fantastic sight. Every tree and bush is covered in a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved every moment of it.
    I cleared the footpath and the drive. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered our drive with compacted snow from the roadway. The driver smiled and waved-I waved back and shovelled the snow away again.

    DEC28th.
    It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and temperatures dropped around minus 8 degrees.
    Several branches from our trees snapped due to the weight of the snow and I shovelled the drive again. Shortly after the snowplough came and did his trick again- much of the snow a brownish-grey colour.

    JAN 1st.
    It warmed during the day to create a wet slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. I bought some snow tyres for both our cars but fell on my arse on the driveway- £100 for the physiotherapist but nothing broke. More snow expected.

    JAN 5th.
    Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Landrover to get her to work.
    She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
    Had another 8 inches of that white sh*t last night and both cars are covered over with salt and iced up slush.
    More shovelling in store for me. The bastard snowplough came past twice today.

    JAN 8th.
    More f*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our land that has not been damaged. Power off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater that tipped over and nearly burnt the house down.
    I managed to put out the fire but suffered 2nd degree burns to my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes.
    Car hit a f*cking deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.

    JAN13th.
    F*cking bastard white sh*t keeps coming down.
    Have to put on all the clothes we own to go to the f*cking post box.
    If ever I catch that arsehole who drives the f*cking snow plough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my bare teeth.
    I think he hides around the corner and waits until I’ve finished shovelling and then comes down the road at 100 mph and buries our driveway.

    JAN17th.
    15 more f*cking inches of more f*cking snow and f*cking sleet and other kinds of white sh*t fell last night.
    I wounded that f*cking bastard of a snowplough driver with my ice axe but the bastard got away.
    The wife has left me, the f*cking car will not start, I think I am going snow blind.
    I can’t move my toes and haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More f*cking snow forecast.
    Temperature 20 f*cking degrees below.
    F*ck this I am going back to London…………………
    A pub is for life not just for Christmas

  3. #13
    Inndigestion Strongers's Avatar
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    Are you Northerners beating your cold chests again?

    Me, I still wear my coat when it's 25 degrees as I need the pocket space and refuse to carry a bag.
    WE ARE THE BREADMEN - UP THE BEES

  4. #14
    Get some gravy on it. Maldenman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strongers View Post
    Me, I still wear my coat when it's 25 degrees as I need the pocket space and refuse to carry a bag.
    Precisely why cargo shorts were invented Strongers!

  5. #15
    This Space For Hire aleandhearty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maldenman View Post
    I've had to err shall I say "tamper" with the heating thermostat a bit to keep the Mrs and daughter from making the place like Kew Gardens Tropical House.
    That's so re-assuring, not just me then.
    'And where he supped the past lived still. And where he sipped the glass brimmed full' John Barleycorn, Carol Ann Duffy.

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