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If you try to ‘up-sell’ someone by forcing your staff to ask ‘Would you like some crisps or nuts with that?’ every time someone orders a pint,

If you think you are solving the problem of bar staff motivation and retention by ‘empowering’ your zero hours, minimum wage, minimally trained staff by referring to them as ‘colleagues,’

If you advertise free WiFi but ‘free’ turns out to mean ‘free for 20 minutes and then you pay,’

If you pour a pint for a customer that foams over the sides of the glass so vigorously that you have to wash your hands after pouring it, but you expect your customer to pick up the soaking glass from its puddle, knowing their hands will get wet and sticky, but not giving a shit about that,

If you advertise ‘craft beers’ and offer Peroni or Amstel to those who ask for them,

If you refer to yourself as a ‘Beer House’[1], ‘bar and kitchen’, ‘cellar and eatery’, ‘Ale dispensary and hob’ or any other similarly twattish term because you think you’re better than a mere pub,

If you charge more than £5 for a pint of beer without being able to tell the customer why it costs that much,

If you think the brandis more important than the guv’nor,

If you have keypads on the doors to the toilets because you’re so paranoid about walk-ins using the loos without buying a drink that you’re prepared to humiliate your customers by making them come to the bar to ask for the code,

And if, the code secured, your customer opens the door to the pub and reels back physically from the ammonia stench of stale urine burning their nostrils from urinals that haven’t been cleaned for days,

Then you don't understand the earth nor anything in it that makes it worth living in, and - which is more - you're not a fucking pub my son!

[1] For example, in a train station such as London Waterloo or Paddington.