Cooking Lager - Is Lidl Bitter the new Bass ?
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As pubs die on their arse during the pandemic one concern fills the mind of pub men across the nation. What about the bitter? Specifically, what about the Bass? Because if there is one bitter than encapsulates all there is about the bitter in the minds of pub men it is the Bass. A mediocre brown liquid that isn’t what it was, despite no one knowing what it was because it’s that old, it is the talisman of bitter. It’s a symbol of all the bitter means. Tradition. Nation. Pride. History. Hope and most importantly, Mediocrity. A nostalgic dream of a lost hope to cling to in a harsh world where pubs shut for no other reason that people don’t want them anymore because they don’t want to be coughed on by a drunk.
Can anything make up for this lost dream? Can any product available for the home drinker take you back to those wistful moments of average brown beer in a slightly tatty pub that has seen better days to listen to the wisps on the wind of old codgers with hacking coughs using the word f*ck as punctuation as they try to tell anyone stupid enough to pay them attention about getting sanctioned off the social? It is a wonderful dream. A place of fantasy and mystery. But can you find this in your own living room?
All I can say is I tried. With the help of Lidl bitter I gave it a go. Hatherwood Original Bitter is its name. 3.6% abv is its game. 4 500ml cans for £2.99 making it a fraction of the price of pub bitter. Unlike Lidl lager there is no detail of who contract brews it for Lidl. But do you really need that? People like to believe there are lots of different breweries making lots of different types of bitter. This is a myth. All bitter is brewed by Marston’s. All of it. Every last drop. Everywhere. It all runs off the production line of Marston’s and differing amounts of water and caramel (available to retail consumers under the brand name bisto or just look for gravy browning) are added to create distinct different sorts of bitter in can, bottle, keg or cask and then branded up with the logo and pump clip of your favourite bitter. It’s all made to the same traditional recipe for brown beer than predates the invention of the improved product known as lager.
So, what is Lidl bitter like? It is like stepping back into the world of our forefathers to sip from the fountain they did. To immerse yourself in tradition. It tastes like Britain. It tastes of Britain. It tastes of every politician that wants to be seen as patriotic holding up a glass and pretending to like it. It tastes working men quenching their thirst on proper beer and none of that foreign muck. But more than that. It is lighter, less vinegary than pub bitter. Like Someone made a tweak to make it a bit nicer.
My old Dad, Cooking Bitter is an expert on cans of bitter. He’s drank cans of bitter all his life. As I’ve been dropping off shopping in the parent’s porch this lockdown it afforded an opportunity to get the perspective of a true aficionado and expert on cans of bitter. He describes it thus “It was okay. Your mum liked it in a shandy. Can you get me some John Smiths next time? Or a brand or something. Not that craft or camra stuff. Normal bitter. It was okay if there’s nothing else.”
So, there you have it. “It was okay” Can there be any further indication that this is in fact the new Bass. Bass is okay as far as it goes. It’s not great. It’s not bad. It’s okay. So is Lidl bitter. Lidl bitter is okay. Therefore, Lidl bitter is the new Bass. It is the cans that will get pub men through this pandemic and into a world where pubs are half empty, masks are required, there’s a 3-pint maximum and it costs a tenner a pint but you must suffer it to save pubs. Until the world returns, we have Lidl bitter!
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