...that once covered the fictional fund-raising charity event, which mocked celebrity fawning, called 'Brown Nose Day'!
Printable View
Heard a Doctor on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.
I looked through the house to find all the things i've started but hadn't finished... so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. :p
Oh dear did you really want to start that, try this lot (apologies for the low quality of some)
I went to the chemist and asked "What gets rid of the Corona virus?"
The chemist said "Ammonia cleaner"
I said "I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"
This morning at the Post Office, while I was in the line, two people wearing masks came in.
TOTAL PANIC!
Then they said "This is a robbery" and we all calmed down.
Due to the potential problems caused by panic buying,
some supermarkets have imposed limits until further notice.
Asda:- 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet roll
Tesco:- 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and a 4 pack of toilet roll
Aldi:- 1 pink sports bra, 1 MIG welder and 1 spare wheel for a barrow
When I was younger, the only time we started panic buying, was when the landlord shouted "last orders"
I saw a woman using half a bra as a makeshift face mask, nice to see some people are keeping abreast of the situation.
I used to cough to disguise my farts - now I fart to disguise my coughs.
There's a rumour going around that President Trump excluded Europeans because he thinks germs come from Germany!
Apparently Germans have been panic buying sausage and cheese... it’s the wurst käse scenario.
Just been to Tesco. I asked a checkout operator if there was any toilet paper, and was told no. That walk back to the toilets with my trousers and pants round my ankles is something I never want to do again.
If this is how the public react to the Covid-19 virus, it's no surprise that the government wouldn't tell us about aliens.
I went into my supermarket yesterday and saw one chap with his trolley filled to the brim with mini pork pies, bite sized sausages, cherry tomatoes, paper plates and plastic cutlery.
I realized he must have been picnic buying.
Nail salons closed, tanning salons closed, hair salons closed, waxing salons closed....
it's going to get ugly out there!
The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
If you receive an email with the subject “ding dong” dont open it, they're Jehovahs Witnesses working from home.
A plane has 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a 10 year old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump says “I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to sort out the problems of the world”. He grabs one and jumps.
Boris says “I’m needed to sort out Britain”, he grabs one and jumps.
The Pope says “The Catholic Church needs me”, he grabs one and jumps.
Angela says to the 10 year old “You have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, you’re only just starting”.
The 10 year old replies “Don’t worry there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag”.
I cannot understand why Timpsons have closed for business when we need all the key workers we can get!
Not strictly a joke but well done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KPb...c#action=share
I noticed a few other musical parodies popping up lately, Youtube looks full of them.
Not a beer joke but topical!
Spotted on the Facebook page of the Red Lion in Rotherham ,posted on Christmas Eve.
I’VE HEARD THAT IF YOU HAVE RELATIVES ROUND ON CHRISTMAS DAY THE POLICE CAN FORCE ENTRY AND MAKE THEM GO HOME.
DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FREE SERVICE OR DO YOU HAVE TO BOOK? :p
Heard in the always excellent Roscoe Head on Sunday night.
One regular, lets call him Mick, was telling a story about nights on the town in Liverpool in the past.
How long ago was this Mick? asked regular 2.
Oh about 4 stone says Mick.:D
WARNING - NOT A PC JOKE :D
WISE DOCTOR
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.":evilgrin: