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15-08-2011, 14:12
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For me the joy of cooking lager appreciation isn’t just the lovely ice cold fizzy lager slipping down your throat creating waves of pleasure from the tip of my tongue to the ends of my toes. It’s the fact that it’s dirt cheap and just as importantly being dirt cheap it annoys people. It annoys alcohol health prohibitionists from Don Shenker to Mike Benner. If I knew where they lived I would turn up and neck a cold can of cheap lager whilst sat on their front lawn. I wouldn’t break anything or go looting or mask my face. I might wear a hoodie and pair of bang tidy trainers, though, because it's like the fashion.
Not that I’d be a pest. When they asked me to bugger off, I would do so, but as I pottered down the street back to the bus stop I’d feel a sense of cheap lager triumphalism. I might leave the empty can on the doorstep as a point of protest, but that would be as far as my protest would go, and only if I’d finished it. No need for any undue impoliteness. A protest but a polite one. No nicking or breaking stuff or making David Cameron return from his holidays to correct the moral vacuum at the heart of society.

In the game of cooking lager appreciation, you get your successes and you undoubtedly occasionally get your failures. Noticing 3 for £20 at Tesco and joining that with a general £5 off token AND a £5 off £40 shopping token to get 6 boxes of lout for £30 and working out you bought 90 bottles (6x15) of strong lager for £30 is a success and one in the eye for the prohibitionists. You may be then be faced with the problem of what to do with 90 bottles of strong lager and the dawning realisation that you will be drinking it until Christmas but you know, heh ho, at least you won’t be needing to go into any pubs any time soon.

It doesn’t always work out though. Noticing a 15 box of Tuborg was £7 at Tesco. Having a general £2 off token and a specific £4 off a 15 box of Tuborg had me wetting my appetite over buying a 15 box of lovely lout for a pound. £1. Yes. Up yours Shenker and Benner. Turning up to the store to find them sold out of 15 boxes of Tuborg, my heart sank. No box of lout for £1. Bugger. Supermarket stocking incompetence has allowed a goal to be scored by the prohibitionists. Will the box of lout even be on the special when it is back in stock? Who is to say? I consoled myself with a 30 cans of Carlsberg for £15 tray and even bought the groceries the squeeze said we needed.

You win some; you lose some, no need to go looting quite yet, but so long as our green and pleasant land is littered with empty cans of lager rattling along in the wind, cooking lager enthusiasm remains universal and the likes of Shenker and Benner shall not win.

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