PDA

View Full Version : Hands Off Santa



arwkrite
17-12-2009, 14:01
Well it was bound to happen the Health Police have criminalized Santa. He is Obese and should be out of that sleigh and jogging with the reindeer .Santa eats to many mince pies and the amount of sherry he drinks would soon put him dangerously over the drink drive limit.
Children are more aware of Santa than that clown Ronald MacDonald which does not surprise me 'cause Santa brings you prezzies and Ronald is more likely to give you a stomach upset. I thought that was an odd comparison given the stick Big Mac gets off the Health police.
A couple of Australians (strewth) reckon Santa promotes obesity, speeding and a lifestyle that is not healthy.They missed out exceeding the allowed working hours of reindeer and dangerous over loading of a goods vehicle.Santa should be portrayed an individual not given to excess.This should give work to the ragtrade as new thin santa suits are made. Sad news however for the grape treaders of Jerez as Santa will be made to drink cranberry juice (which I believe is greatly enhanced by a treble of vodka).
What next? The Noise Abatement Society banning "Jingle Bells" ?

hopwas
17-12-2009, 14:23
Obesity

If Santa visits 156 million homes and has a mince pie in each of them, he will consume 31 BILLION calories - enough to keep him going for the rest of the year

Drink-driving

Visiting households at a rate of 1,400 per second, Santa would be over the legal drink-drive limit in a flash he downed a 25ml measure of sherry with each delivery. He would be more than 47 MILLION times over the limit by the end of night! :eek:

Speeding

Taking time zones into account, Santa has about 31 hours to deliver an estimated 700 million gifts on Xmas Eve. To accomplish this, he sleigh would be need to be travelling at 1,000 miles per second.

arwkrite
17-12-2009, 14:31
You can come up with those facts and figures whilst suffering a hangover. Amazing!!
Any idea how much the sleigh is over its permitted weight ?.

hopwas
17-12-2009, 14:38
I'll hold my hands up..

It was copied off local newspaper :D

No idea about permitted weight.. sorry Pal

Eddie86
17-12-2009, 15:48
I'll hold my hands up..

It was copied off local newspaper :D

No idea about permitted weight.. sorry Pal

Now that breweries use lighter glass in their bottles, that may be less of an issue this year :)

aleandhearty
17-12-2009, 18:06
You're all being very cynical. It's perfectly straight-forward according to Larry Silverberg, Professor of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering at North Carolina State University:

Silverberg is not so silly as to think that Santa and his reindeer can cover approximately 200 million square miles – making stops in some 80 million homes – in one night. Instead, he reckons that Santa uses his knowledge of the space-time continuum to form what Silverberg calls “relativity clouds.” “Based on his advanced knowledge of the theory of relativity, Santa recognizes that time can be stretched like a rubber band, that space can be squeezed like an orange and that light can be bent,” Silverberg says. “Relativity clouds are controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver presents while only a few minutes pass on Earth. The presents are truly delivered in a wink of an eye....”

....Santa’s reindeer are genetically engineered, of course, allowing them to fly, balance on rooftops and see in the dark...

....Finally, many people wonder how Santa and the reindeer can eat all the food left out for them. Silverberg says they take just a nibble at each house. The remainder is either left in the house or placed in the sleigh’s built-in food dehydrator, where it is preserved for future consumption. It takes a long time to deliver all those presents, after all.


Seemples! :D

Oggwyn Trench
17-12-2009, 18:42
You can track Santa on the NORAD web site , my son loves it .
We always leave Santa a glass of port , the greedy sod finishes the bottle:p
What the nanny state would make of my mince pies God only knows , the pastry is made from flour , butter , sugar and eggs nice and rich , then the mince is liberally drowned in Calvados . This covers the main food groups , Fat , Sugar and Alcohol;)

hopwas
17-12-2009, 19:06
You can track Santa on the NORAD web site , my son loves it .
We always leave Santa a glass of port , the greedy sod finishes the bottle:p
What the nanny state would make of my mince pies God only knows , the pastry is made from flour , butter , sugar and eggs nice and rich , then the mince is liberally drowned in Calvados . This covers the main food groups , Fat , Sugar and Alcohol;)

Had look in NORAD website, shame it only start on xmas eve...

We always leave a proper drink called REAL ALE :D instead of puny port..

We do buy from mince pies from world famous Harrods for Santa. :rolleyes:

Then we will leave invitation card for santa to join me in local Wetherspoon after he finished his shift.. :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:

arwkrite
17-12-2009, 22:54
I never realised the Space Time Continuum relied on knicker elastic and a handful of Satsuma. Light bending I remember from "O" level physics but I can honestly say I never really got the hang of it. So that puts the kybosh on me ever getting Santa's job. I did once try once to apply to be one of Santas Elves but he only pays the minimum wage and it meant mucking out the reindeer stables. The only perk was as much reindeer s"*t as you could carry home in your pockets.But if Santa found out you would get the sack ( a bloody great big one with no prezzies in it).:muppet:

Farway
18-12-2009, 15:20
My daughter is a Santa elf, she cringes of course but it gets her out of house, likes animals etc etc

http://www.ottersandowls.co.uk/welcome.htm

Conrad
18-12-2009, 16:42
My daughter is a Santa elf, she cringes of course but it gets her out of house, likes animals etc etc

http://www.ottersandowls.co.uk/welcome.htm
Not the classic Lapland theme park (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm) in New Forest then.

hopwas
18-12-2009, 16:46
Not the classic Lapland theme park (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm) in New Forest then.

Funnily enough there was also one near Soupys house.. Somewhere in Wolves I think..

Oggwyn Trench
18-12-2009, 19:39
Had look in NORAD website, shame it only start on xmas eve...

We always leave a proper drink called REAL ALE :D instead of puny port..

We do buy from mince pies from world famous Harrods for Santa. :rolleyes:

Then we will leave invitation card for santa to join me in local Wether***** after he finished his shift.. :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:

Try sticking a shot of port in your Owd Roger to make a proper winter warmer :drinkup:

hopwas
18-12-2009, 19:48
Try sticking a shot of port in your Owd Roger to make a proper winter warmer :drinkup:

Now you are talking.. :cheers:

Pint of Owd Roger with dash of Port (or half pint of port) would do me :nishelypished:

micky1234
19-12-2009, 16:46
did me last two santa bus driver jobs this week .. was underloaded / underfed / sober .. perhaps i am a vision of Santas to come .. boring really ..

micky1234
19-12-2009, 16:49
Now you are talking.. :cheers:

Pint of Owd Roger with dash of Port (or half pint of port) would do me :nishelypished:

owd roger / bottle of port shandy perhaps .. 50/50 mix .. ( no lemonade for me )

Oggwyn Trench
19-12-2009, 20:00
owd roger / bottle of port shandy perhaps .. 50/50 mix .. ( no lemonade for me )

Its better with Gold Label , Barley Wine

Eddie86
19-12-2009, 20:10
Now is the time to bring back beer cocktails. My favourite is the following:

Mother in Law = .5pint Old ale .5pint Bitter


I've got a list of a few of the others, but that's the one that makes me laugh. I know one of the old popular ones was Black n Tan...

Oggwyn Trench
19-12-2009, 20:26
Now is the time to bring back beer cocktails. My favourite is the following:

Mother in Law = .5pint Old ale .5pint Bitter


I've got a list of a few of the others, but that's the one that makes me laugh. I know one of the old popular ones was Black n Tan...

Skip and go naked is as bad as it sounds , Lager, Lemon , Gin and Grenadine :sick:
Used to be one around here called Passion Flower , Stella , 1080 Cider + a double Pernod and black , the name was ironic , after a couple of pints there was no chance of passion

oldboots
19-12-2009, 21:17
Now is the time to bring back beer cocktails. My favourite is the following:

Mother in Law = .5pint Old ale .5pint Bitter

I've got a list of a few of the others, but that's the one that makes me laugh. I know one of the old popular ones was Black n Tan...

Mother in law = old & bitter, that's my wife's MiL all right :D

I remember some others
Black n Tan = Guinness and Bitter
Boilermaker = Mild and Brown
Light Split = Bitter and pale (light) Ale
Snakebite = Lager and Cider
Granny Split = brown and bitter ??
various top or dash = small lemonade in beer
Black Velvet = Champagne & Guinness or more cheaply Cider and Guinness.

and for the lady
Whisky Mac = blended Whisky & Crabbies ginger wine
Snoball = advocat, lime juice and lemonade poured from a great height so it frothes up

Something else that occurs, in the west country a straight glass was always known as a "Sleever"

Oggwyn Trench
19-12-2009, 23:57
Mickey Mouse is still popular in these parts , Bitter & Mild
A few old girls still like Mackie and Port

Soup Dragon
20-12-2009, 17:14
I just wanted to pass on my compliments of the season to all the regulars here:cheers:

Oggwyn Trench
21-12-2009, 18:13
I just wanted to pass on my compliments of the season to all the regulars here:cheers:

I was down your way yesterday , The White Horse , Cheslyn Hay , it was a last minute decision to go to the pub , or i would have let you know and you could have brought me a pint:D

Soup Dragon
21-12-2009, 19:13
I was down your way yesterday , The White Horse , Cheslyn Hay , it was a last minute decision to go to the pub , or i would have let you know and you could have brought me a pint:D

What time Oggy, were you in the lounge? i was in WH last night

Oggwyn Trench
21-12-2009, 21:46
What time Oggy, were you in the lounge? i was in WH last night

Early on about 12 30 till about 2 had Sunday lunch , not bad and dirt cheap , though nearly killed myself walking there from mates house :eek:

Soup Dragon
21-12-2009, 23:25
Shame - i was in there later. There were two bits of tot on the sofa, was hoping one of them was you:p

micky1234
22-12-2009, 16:38
Mickey Mouse is still popular in these parts , Bitter & Mild
A few old girls still like Mackie and Port

A last Winterwarmer from me before xmas .. Kestral super lager and Abbot ale .. just invented it .. bought said kestrel lagers from offo opposite the Greenwood pub Hull .. the Greenwood is like the pub in Shameles .. the offo is another rough place with the offerings protected by bullet proof glass walls .. you have to visually select and then talk to a girl through holes in the window .. then money is pushed through a one-way device and the produce is similarly aquired by purchaser .. anyway am off to Dodge City ( Nottingham ) for xmas .. ( worse place to live than Hull apparently ) .. anyway seasons stuff and all that to all .. a lot better site than Facebook me-thinks ..:drinkup:

Soup Dragon
22-12-2009, 16:43
A last Winterwarmer from me before xmas .. Kestral super lager and Abbot ale .. just invented it .. bought said kestrel lagers from offo opposite the Greenwood pub Hull .. the Greenwood is like the pub in Shameles .. the offo is another rough place with the offerings protected by bullet proof glass walls .. you have to visually select and then talk to a girl through holes in the window .. then money is pushed through a one-way device and the produce is similarly aquired by purchaser .. anyway am off to Dodge City ( Nottingham ) for xmas .. ( worse place to live than Hull apparently ) .. anyway seasons stuff and all that to all .. a lot better site than Facebook me-thinks ..:drinkup:

Hi Mickey

Sure you were in an offy - sounds more like somewhere in Amsterdam to me!

Have a good xmas, Squire

arwkrite
22-12-2009, 16:55
The only place I have purchased alcohol from such a place was in the back end of Miami. The petrol stations were also pay before you pumped. A bit like Mosside as I found out later ,must have taken a wrong turning somewhere.
Kestrel lager of any strength I have not seen for years. We can still get Tennants Super strength and Carlsberg Special Brew in the shops. Not tried it for years, perhaps a sampling is in order after all this time.

runningdog
22-12-2009, 17:29
.....Tennants Super strength and Carlsberg Special Brew in the shops. Not tried it for years, perhaps a sampling is in order after all this time.

Ughhh, I know me dog fears no evil, arwkite, but that is pushin it :( but, as long as you don't make it compulsary :cheers:..........