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aleandhearty
08-12-2009, 11:57
I don't know how old this is, but I saw this in our local 'pub scene' magazine and it made me laugh.

THE BUFFALO THEORY:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers and that's why beer is so good for you!

:D :drinkup:

Conrad
08-12-2009, 12:20
That is a good one, and very true.

Does remind me of this classic Billy Connolly sketch:
6ayxPMw3ckU

Oggwyn Trench
08-12-2009, 17:28
I don't know how old this is, but I saw this in our local 'pub scene' magazine and it made me laugh.

THE BUFFALO THEORY:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers and that's why beer is so good for you!

:D :drinkup:

It also makes you incredibly attractive to woman:)

oldboots
08-12-2009, 17:50
It also makes you incredibly attractive to woman:)

Sadly I can never get them to drink enough to make me attractive, they even beat me off with their white sticks :D

Oggwyn Trench
08-12-2009, 18:02
Heard this one on the radio today

God gave men a brain and a penis , but not enough blood to operate both at the same time

oldboots
08-12-2009, 18:15
Okay try this

A German guy approaches a prostitute.

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he

had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by

the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it

is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

"That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze........ Four-sprung Duck

Technique


And the beer connection? "Kwak" is a nice strong Belgian beer (12%....nice) :cheers:

aleandhearty
10-12-2009, 11:12
Does remind me of this classic Billy Connolly sketch:

Having finally got some sound back on my lap-top...Classic Connolly. I'd seen it before, but so long ago I'd forgotten the punchline!

arwkrite
10-12-2009, 12:09
It also makes you incredibly attractive to woman:)

I do know it makes women more attractive to ones minds eye. Believe me, its happened enough in my case.Sobriety brings on a nasty case of aftershock the next morning.:sick:Mind you I am not saying that my female companions felt any different.:eek:

Conrad
14-12-2009, 13:19
Since this appears to be the joke thread, one I received today.

Scottish Advent Calendar
http://forums.pubsgalore.co.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=27&stc=1&d=1260800311

Soup Dragon
14-12-2009, 13:29
I do know it makes women more attractive to ones minds eye. Believe me, its happened enough in my case.Sobriety brings on a nasty case of aftershock the next morning.:sick:Mind you I am not saying that my female companions felt any different.:eek:

As Shakespeare says, via the Porter in Mcbeth

"It [beer] promotes the urge, but takes away the performance"

so the lesson is - cover yourself - ALWAYS claim you were on the pop the night before;)

aleandhearty
18-12-2009, 08:08
Didn't intend this to become a joke thread, but what the hell!

Did you hear about the amnesiac who walked into a pub and asked the barman "Do I come here often?"

A man walks into a pub and sees an alsatian at a table, sitting in on a game of poker. "Is that dog really playing poker?" he asks the barman. "Yeah, but he's rubbish" the barman replies, "Every time he get's a good hand his tail starts wagging!"

aleandhearty
06-01-2010, 11:46
One I came across yesterday:

Asda installed a 'Robo-Doc' machine that for 10.00 and a urine sample would diagnose any condition. When Conrad went with a sore elbow, the computer printout said:
'You have tennis elbow.Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for two weeks.'

Impressed, Conrad wondered whether he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog faeces, urine samples from his wife and daughter and then he masturbated into the mixture. Next day, when he tipped it into the machine the diagnosis was as follows:
'1. Your tapwater is too hard.Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep w**king, your elbow won't get better!

Thank you for shopping with Asda.'

Conrad
06-01-2010, 23:36
Just saw this video and sniggered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=085OkSTRZpI
Reminded me of a rant from another place ;)

oldboots
10-01-2010, 14:08
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing himto suck them gently.



"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

aleandhearty
10-01-2010, 16:56
Just saw this video and sniggered.Reminded me of a rant from another place

Meeaiioow. Put those claws away! :D Mind you I know just what you mean. How bizarre was that?

Conrad
10-01-2010, 21:14
Good one OB.

A&H - I have to say if he could make a few more remarks like that it would be fantastic, always makes my day. No idea of where it came from though :confused:. Every now and then some bizareness on this site winds me up a little and I normally bite my tongue, I have to say people contributing in whatever time they have, in whatever way they contribute, is not one of the things that winds me up however. Although obviously if you could avoid losing your jobs whilst enjoying whatever sites you enjoy that would be good.

Conrad
23-01-2010, 16:13
Can't let this thread drop off the front page, so time for a bit of good old British observational humour, but don't mention the war, I did once, but I think I got away with it!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Millay
23-01-2010, 16:40
If we are in the mood to insult other Nations, how about this one.

The United Nations recently conducted a worldwide survey in which they asked

"Please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because,

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of world " meant!

runningdog
23-01-2010, 18:42
I'm put in mind of the Fairport Convention number 'Jewel in Crown'. I reckon it should be our National Anthem. Words to follow when I can find the CD...:drinkup::drinkup:...Come on, Conrad, where's a flag I can wave..........

aleandhearty
08-02-2010, 13:34
What would happen if all retailers started making their own condoms and used their own slogans?

Tesco Condoms- Every little helps.

Nike Condoms- Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms- The ride of your life.

KFC Condoms- Finger Lickin' good.

Duracell Condoms- Just keep going and going and going.

Pringles Condoms- Once you pop you can't stop.

Burger King Condoms- Home of the Whopper.

Andrex Condoms- Soft, strong and very long.

McDonalds Condoms- I'm loving it.

Polo Condoms- The one with the hole.

Conrad
30-06-2010, 10:16
Revive the joke thread to post this image which sadly amused me:
308

Stolen from Graham Linehan postings (http://glinner.tumblr.com/post/750103698/what-a-send-off)

ROBCamra
30-06-2010, 10:44
Rob Green trained for 3 hours yesterday, had 4000 shots fired at him and didn't concede a single goal.

Tomorrow him and Heskey are going to train with the rest of the squad. :p

aleandhearty
30-06-2010, 11:52
Revive the joke thread to post this image which sadly amused me:
308

Stolen from Graham Linehan postings (http://glinner.tumblr.com/post/750103698/what-a-send-off)

I suspect the editor might have had 'a long lunch' that day. Priceless! :D

Conrad
07-07-2010, 14:54
320

Alesonly
06-08-2010, 17:30
A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle" Is bitch. :whistle:

ETA
06-08-2010, 17:55
How things change - in the middle ages people felt safer when there was a Moat running around their village.

Oggwyn Trench
06-08-2010, 20:36
The English FA have announced there new sponsers
Total
FCUK
UPS

ROBCamra
20-08-2010, 16:22
Just finished reading a book by Danny King called Blue Collar which made me laugh out loud several times.

It's about a brickie who meets up with a posh girl.

He's telling his mates about the first dinner party he goes to with her.

He says "There was an actress there, she's appeared in a few sitcoms and adverts etc"

His mate says "All them actresses have to suck off the producer and the casting director to get the part".

Another guy pipes up "I bet the producer of Last Of The Summer Wine is f*ckin' devastated!" :D

Brilliant! Well I thought so, anyway. :p

ROBCamra
09-11-2010, 12:41
Thing that are impossible to say when you're drunk.

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, as I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to pee in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Nudie run? Not for me thanks.

ROBCamra
10-11-2010, 12:24
Beer Scooters - This explains a few things :p

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer
to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch
of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the
second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to
be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is
not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

gillhalfpint
10-11-2010, 15:43
You ordering one from Bacchus in Birmingham on Friday then?

ROBCamra
10-11-2010, 15:47
You ordering one from Bacchus in Birmingham on Friday then?

I'd forgotten that there was a Beer Scooter rank outside there. :D

hondo
11-11-2010, 09:27
http://electricscootersworld.com/Xtreme/TheElectricCoolerScooterbyXtreme.php

aleandhearty
11-11-2010, 12:54
http://electricscootersworld.com/Xtreme/TheElectricCoolerScooterbyXtreme.php

That's great. Not only will it keep a few bottles cool for the journey home, you can place your pounding head in it the morning after. :)

Conrad
03-02-2011, 13:42
Finally a campaign I can get behind (http://cookinglager.blogspot.com/2011/02/shameless-journalism.html).

Stumbled across in our blog forum.

aleandhearty
03-02-2011, 15:14
On a recent weekend away with the girls, Mrs a&h decided to visit a fortune teller of some renown. In the darkened room the mystic peered into the crystal ball and delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to so this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Mrs a&h stared at the old crone's lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked...

"Will I be acquitted?"

Millay
15-02-2011, 18:32
Andy Gray's farewell broadcast.


I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a job that I've loved doing. However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.

You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys. One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok sweetheart?" she says. "Yes Miss" he replies. "'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says. "It's best I stay here Miss. " he says. "Why?" she asks. The boy replies:

"Because I'm the ****ing goal keeper"

Conrad
16-03-2011, 16:50
Not really the thread for it, but it should appeal to those that enjoy this thread.

Wet suit for sale (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/160559216667)

ROBCamra
05-04-2011, 10:33
A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight
pants and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the
wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet
and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible
and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

aleandhearty
05-04-2011, 16:58
:D I've just emailed that to my sister.

ROBCamra
18-05-2011, 13:21
I see the draw for the 1st preliminary round of the Champions League has been made already.

Man City have drawn Rapid Exit. :evilgrin:

RogerB
18-05-2011, 13:37
I just got my Olympic ticket application confirmation back. Missed out on the Mens 100m Final but ended up with 35,000 tickets for West Ham v Doncaster.

Evil Gazebo
18-05-2011, 14:09
Man City have announced the route for their open-top bus parade.

http://i54.tinypic.com/f0c2lj.jpg

gillhalfpint
18-05-2011, 20:12
No health and safety issues in Manchester then. Poor Birmingham were not allowed a parade.

ROBCamra
19-05-2011, 12:56
No health and safety issues in Manchester then. Poor Birmingham were not allowed a parade.

Birmingham have a parade to celebrate relegation? :evilgrin:

gillhalfpint
19-05-2011, 13:20
They did beat Arsenal for the Carling Cup and the city wanted to celebrate the silverware but Jobsworths thought it would contravene health and safety so folk had to go to the ground to celebrate. Not the same.

RogerB
19-05-2011, 14:39
For decades Coventry managed to avoid relegation, usually by winning at White Hart Lane on the last day of the season. There is home for Birmingham yet!

Pubsignman
19-05-2011, 23:11
They did beat Arsenal for the Carling Cup and the city wanted to celebrate the silverware but Jobsworths thought it would contravene health and safety so folk had to go to the ground to celebrate. Not the same.

Bloomin' health and safety - it's not like anything can go wrong with a simple open top bus parade...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13430756

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13155922

Evil Gazebo
20-05-2011, 15:08
Corinthians - still the kings of trophy-related mishaps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JH3K1gZ7vY

trainman
20-05-2011, 16:04
Corinthians - still the kings of trophy-related mishaps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JH3K1gZ7vY

hehehe. Quality, EG!

RogerB
20-05-2011, 17:02
Talking of butterfingers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHbSCF1eu0o

Conrad
01-06-2011, 17:53
Heard on local radio:


Ryan Giggs has admitted to feeling a bit home sick, although he lives in Manchester, he sometimes does miss Wales

:lol:

Quinno
01-06-2011, 18:08
Heard on local radio:



:lol:

Ryan Giggs has spent the last six months attempting to be anonymous and during the European Cup final last Saturday he finally managed it.

trainman
01-06-2011, 22:02
It was pointed out that one could hardly blame a fellow for 'being with' a lass whose name was an anagram of 'a smooth _ _ _ _ _'

Nope, you'll just have to use your process of elimination...

Bucking Fastard
02-06-2011, 10:53
Nope, you'll just have to use your process of elimination...

That's fantastic. In the same vein,most Palace fans refered to Neil Warnock as Colin ------ even before his departure to QPR.

Conrad
02-06-2011, 11:03
That's fantastic. In the same vein,most Football fans refered to Neil Warnock as Colin ------ even before his departure to QPR.
Fixed that for you.

hondo
02-06-2011, 11:08
It was pointed out that one could hardly blame a fellow for 'being with' a lass whose name was an anagram of 'a smooth _ _ _ _ _'

Nope, you'll just have to use your process of elimination...

553 :whistle:

Bucking Fastard
02-06-2011, 11:18
Fixed that for you.

I stand corrected. BTW didn't someone at Ashton Gate run on the pitch and take a swing at Colin after the playoff semi final in 2008?To date the culprit has never been traced;)

Evil Gazebo
17-06-2011, 12:16
Doing the rounds on Twitter:

Michael Owen is celebrating owning a winner at Royal Ascot. More silverware where someone else did all the work.

ROBCamra
17-06-2011, 12:23
Rhodri Giggs's wife, who was allegedly also sha**ing Ryan has also rumoured to have been linked with several other current and ex - Utd players including Dwight Yorke.

Allegedly her nickname in the dressing room is "Ring And Ride" :evilgrin:

Spinko
18-06-2011, 14:08
Rhodri Giggs's wife, who was allegedly also sha**ing Ryan has also rumoured to have been linked with several other current and ex - Utd players including Dwight Yorke.

Allegedly her nickname in the dressing room is "Ring And Ride" :evilgrin:

If she's been with Yorkie boy then I'd imagine the rest would be like a Tetleys and not touch the sides :D

Evil Gazebo
07-10-2011, 11:35
Wayne Rooney was just on TV being asked about his dad’s alleged involvement in a betting scam. “I don’t want to talk about that,” said Rooney, “I’m just gutted about being sent off in the 70th minute tonight.”

Andy Ven
07-10-2011, 21:14
Wayne Rooney was just on TV being asked about his dad’s alleged involvement in a betting scam. “I don’t want to talk about that,” said Rooney, “I’m just gutted about being sent off in the 70th minute tonight.”

HOLY SH**!!! He was sent off in the 73rd!

Conrad
07-10-2011, 21:46
Wayne Rooney was just on TV being asked about his dad’s alleged involvement in a betting scam. “I don’t want to talk about that,” said Rooney, “I’m just gutted about being sent off in the 70th minute tonight.”
EG,

Sorry to be a bit of a forum Nazi and lecture you on forum etiquette, but this is the jokes thread, it is reserved for posting jokes. I am actually quite bitter about this, as if you had posted it into the tips thread I might have been able to afford a few more drinks this weekend.

:whistle:

ETA
08-10-2011, 08:36
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replied, "That would be my wife."

oldboots
04-11-2011, 17:24
Somewhere, deep in a bunker beneath St Albans... (http://www.reluctantscooper.co.uk/2011/09/camra-downfall.html)

Conrad
04-11-2011, 19:52
Brilliant oldboots, I will delurk and embed it in my post (if only for the preview image):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ImNKjFGo410&noredi rect=1
There are some great Downfall subs, have to admit to sniggering all through that one though.

ROBCamra
18-11-2011, 13:19
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMHhy-mGndI

George & Zippy do Top Gear. A cracking send up done apparantly for Clarksons birthday.

I don't think this has been posted on here before although some will no doubt have seen it.

Brilliant & very funny. :D

Strongers
18-11-2011, 13:50
Somewhere, deep in a bunker beneath St Albans... (http://www.reluctantscooper.co.uk/2011/09/camra-downfall.html)

Classic... And its all true!!!

ROBCamra
06-12-2011, 10:14
Overheard in The Baum on Saturday night.

3 couples were chatting and drinking together when one of the guys went off to the bar and brought back 6 black sambucca's.

"What's this in aid of ?" said one of the other guys.

"It's our anniversary, so we thought we'd buy you all a black sambucca" said the first guy.

"Oh, thats' great, how long is it?" said guy No. 1.

"4 years and 2 months" came the reply with a big grin. :D

I guess they just wanted a sambucca, but it made me laugh.

Millay
05-02-2012, 09:01
I thought this thread deserved a dusting off, I always enjoyed it.

There's something strange been happening with my fridge recently, I think the yogurt's haunting me. I got an exorcist round and he confirmed that there was definite signs of paranormal Activia. He said it happens a lot when people dabble in the Yakult.

ROBCamra
05-02-2012, 16:16
I thought this thread deserved a dusting off, I always enjoyed it.

There's something strange been happening with my fridge recently, I think the yogurt's haunting me. I got an exorcist round and he confirmed that there was definite signs of paranormal Activia. He said it happens a lot when people dabble in the Yakult.

Oh dear. And there we have the reason why it had been quietly allowed to rot. :D

Coat!!

Millay
06-02-2012, 13:36
Oh dear. And there we have the reason why it had been quietly allowed to rot. :D

Coat!!
maybe it is better suited to the 'dark side' but ask yourself , ouija miss it if it wasn't here?

ETA
07-02-2012, 05:54
maybe it is better suited to the 'dark side' but ask yourself , ouija miss it if it wasn't here?

That doesn't make any seance.

Millay
11-02-2012, 12:13
That doesn't make any seance.

It was a spirited effort though

Oggwyn Trench
11-02-2012, 14:24
Police are investigating a disaperance at Helsinki Airport , 180 people went up some steps and disapeared into Finn Air !

Millay
12-02-2012, 04:58
:D
Police are investigating a disaperance at Helsinki Airport , 180 people went up some steps and disapeared into Finn Air !:D
Iberia that in mind next time i'm in Helsinki

oldboots
12-02-2012, 09:39
It's too Easy for you Lot to make these bad puns, you probably deserve a Tap for them. Quantas me out.

Millay
12-02-2012, 11:28
We'll t'Ryanair them somewhere else then

Old Blue
12-02-2012, 17:18
We'll t'Ryanair them somewhere else then

Millay should keep his jokes to this site, and shouldn't Eva Air them anywhere else.

I'll b'Etihad nowhere else to take them anyway.

Millay
12-02-2012, 18:30
I've run out of puns so will just BA spectator from now on

Old Blue
13-02-2012, 00:01
I've run out of puns so will just BA spectator from now on

I'm usually a couch potato as well but my doctor tells me I should worry about my expanding BMI

oldboots
23-04-2012, 11:41
From Twitter: more of a poem for St George's Day than a preview of my lunchtime;

For lunch in honour of St George/ In pubs throughout the land/ We’ll eat pork pies and drink real ale/ Until we cannot stand

aleandhearty
23-04-2012, 14:44
For lunch in honour of St George/ In pubs throughout the land/ We’ll eat pork pies and drink real ale/ Until we cannot stand

:D Marvellous.

Strongers
26-04-2012, 22:02
From a chat show:

James Corden “When you won the Ashes where did you find inspiration?”

Freddie Flintoff “Wetherspoons”

ETA
27-04-2012, 08:18
It seems the reason behind The Home Secretary's failure to deport Abu Qatada was that her department confused him with Abu Hamsa.

It was a Clerical error.

aleandhearty
01-05-2012, 12:29
It was a warm summer’s evening and Nelson Mandela was sitting on the verandah of his country retreat, enjoying a nice cold beer. Suddenly, he was aware of a huge dust cloud, getting closer at a great speed. A large articulated lorry drew up and the Japanese driver quickly jumped out, lowered the tailgate and promptly dropped three crates on the ground. Seeing Mandela, he shouted “Sign here. You sign here.” In a mild state of shock, he scribbled on the docket, before the driver disappeared as fast as he came. Feeling rather tired, he decided to sleep on it and sort it all out in the morning.

The next day, he decided to break open one of the crates and discovered it was packed full of car parts. Whilst wondering what to do next, he saw that another dust cloud was approaching at great speed. Sure enough, another articulated lorry squealed to a halt. The Japanese driver once again dropped three crates on the ground and despite his protests that there had been a mistake, Mandela ended up signing the form once more, before the lorry quickly drove off. Looking inside the new crates, he found they were full of exhausts. As he began heading back towards the house, to make some angry phone calls, he became aware of yet another truck hurtling towards his residence.

Once again the driver jumped out and started to unload the crates, but by this time Mandela was ready and had had enough. “ Stop! Please stop. There has been some terrible mix-up, I did NOT order these car parts.” The driver stood still looking totally puzzled. He looked into the old man’s eyes and sheepishly asked “What, you no Nissan main dealer?………..”

ROBCamra
01-05-2012, 12:33
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back: "computer completely f**ked now."

Quinno
01-05-2012, 12:55
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn!!!... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story....Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

aleandhearty
01-05-2012, 13:00
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

:D It would be nice to think so. :drinkup:

Mobyduck
24-06-2012, 16:29
I thought females could multi-task, I told the missus to sit down and shut up ,she couldn't do it! ;)

gillhalfpint
24-06-2012, 16:58
I thought females could multi-task, I told the missus to sit down and shut up ,she couldn't do it! ;)

And you're still living!! Amazing!!

Mobyduck
24-06-2012, 17:02
And you're still living!! Amazing!!

Yes I'm not sure how that's happened.:D

Millay
25-06-2012, 16:42
With all these problems with bank accounts recently I saw an old guy at an ATM yesterday looking confused. I offered to help and he asked me if i could help him check his balance. So i gave him a little push, it was fine.

ROBCamra
01-09-2012, 10:51
Saw an advert yesterday for some Meatloaf knickers.

On the front it says "I'll do anything for love" and on the back it says " But I won't do that" :evilgrin:

hondo
08-10-2012, 07:50
"the steaming concoction, which was also made up of strong Jagermeister liqueur"
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/girl-has-stomach-removed-and-is-left-fighting-1366795

aleandhearty
08-10-2012, 11:26
"the steaming concoction, which was also made up of strong Jagermeister liqueur"
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/girl-has-stomach-removed-and-is-left-fighting-1366795

As the father of an eighteen year old daughter, I found this uncomfortable reading. Surely, it belongs in Random News of the Day, rather than the site's unofficial joke thread? Funny it ain't.

hondo
08-10-2012, 11:53
As the father of an eighteen year old daughter, I found this uncomfortable reading. Surely, it belongs in Random News of the Day, rather than the site's unofficial joke thread? Funny it ain't.

posted here as it seemed to suit the thread title

Aqualung
14-10-2012, 23:00
At the risk of upsetting some people I have found a Jimmy Savile joke on a website called probably quite aptly "Sickipedia". It's short and to the point like all good jokes and goes :-

I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Jim to fix it instead of taking his computer to PC World.

Well, it made me laugh!

Mobyduck
15-10-2012, 17:46
At the risk of upsetting some people I have found a Jimmy Savile joke on a website called probably quite aptly "Sickipedia". It's short and to the point like all good jokes and goes :-

I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Jim to fix it instead of taking his computer to PC World.

Well, it made me laugh!

Hows about that then?:evilgrin:

oldboots
15-10-2012, 20:58
Hows about that then?:evilgrin:

Actually the best comment on the whole sorry affair I've heard so far is that no-one will be doing some lame Jimmy Saville impression ever again.

ROBCamra
16-10-2012, 08:53
Actually the best comment on the whole sorry affair I've heard so far is that no-one will be doing some lame Jimmy Saville impression ever again.

Clare Balding on HIGNFY I believe?

oldboots
16-10-2012, 14:31
Clare Balding on HIGNFY I believe?

indeed

Pubsignman
11-12-2012, 22:42
Want to make your reviews a bit more contemporary? A bit more 'street'? Well, now you can at http://www.gizoogle.net/

Just paste the url of the pub's page into the search engine for a review that sounds like it's come straight outta Compton.

Here are some examples from the Wellington in Birmingham, fo shizzle.

http://www.gizoogle.net/index.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pubsgalore.co.uk %2Fpubreviews%2F37946%2F&se=Gizoogle+Dis+Shiznit

aleandhearty
12-12-2012, 18:00
Want to make your reviews a bit more contemporary? A bit more 'street'? Well, now you can at http://www.gizoogle.net/

Sadly, I suspect it's like looking into a crystal ball and seeing thirty years into the future. Maybe less. :eek:

aleandhearty
12-03-2013, 13:44
Claire and Diane meet at their 30th class reunion, not having seen each other since leaving sixth form, years ago. They begin to talk and after a couple of glasses of wine gradually loosen up, bringing each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, children, jobs, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Claire says "It's OK. We still make love every week, but it's not particularly exciting. How's yours?"
Diane replies "It's fantastic, ever since we got into S&M."
Claire is visibly shocked. "Really Diane? I would never have guessed you’d
go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Claire, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

ROBCamra
29-06-2013, 12:45
A brilliant one liner from the guy who does the betting tips in the Daily Mirror today.

"The first day in a nudist colony is always the hardest!" :evilgrin:

aleandhearty
01-07-2013, 12:29
A recent favourite was heard on Radio 4s Saturday Live a few weeks ago. The Rev. Richard Coles asked a centenarian parishioner what was the secret of her long life, to which she replied 'a mixture of snobbery and schadenfreude'. Brilliant!

oldboots
03-07-2013, 16:21
Joshua Tetley had died and his old friends John and Sam Smith were going to his funeral. So, as they had a little time before the event John suggested that they should have a pint or two to celebrate Joshua's memory.

"There's a Sam Smith's house over the road", suggested John, why don't we have a pint there?"

"Oh no", said Sam, "much better that we have a couple in the John Smith's house next door".

And so they did.

When they were walking towards the church, John remarked to Sam, "As we've been rivals for so long, I really appreciated your suggesting one of my pubs for a drink".

"Well, remarked Sam, "we both have a great deal of respect for old Joshua and it wouldn't do, would it, for us to go to his funeral smelling of beer".

aleandhearty
03-07-2013, 16:34
Joshua Tetley had died and his old friends John and Sam Smith were going to his funeral. So, as they had a little time before the event John suggested that they should have a pint or two to celebrate Joshua's memory.

"There's a Sam Smith's house over the road", suggested John, why don't we have a pint there?"

"Oh no", said Sam, "much better that we have a couple in the John Smith's house next door".

And so they did.

When they were walking towards the church, John remarked to Sam, "As we've been rivals for so long, I really appreciated your suggesting one of my pubs for a drink".

"Well, remarked Sam, "we both have a great deal of respect for old Joshua and it wouldn't do, would it, for us to go to his funeral smelling of beer".

:D:D

ETA
04-07-2013, 05:13
Overheard in a pub recently:

'I see Paul MacCartney has just bought Heather Mills a new plane'

'Yeah?'

Yeah, now she can shave both legs.'

ROBCamra
11-07-2013, 10:18
Just in case anybody missed it in Blogger - very funny

http://www.beerreviews.co.uk/beer/sh1t-beer-geeks-say/

Quinno
11-07-2013, 12:34
Just in case anybody missed it in Blogger - very funny

http://www.beerreviews.co.uk/beer/sh1t-beer-geeks-say/

"cask ale's just de-gassed keg"

aleandhearty
11-07-2013, 13:06
Just in case anybody missed it in Blogger - very funny

http://www.beerreviews.co.uk/beer/sh1t-beer-geeks-say/

An absolute hoot. Using the video as a template, I'm sure most of us could think of a venue to spend a couple of hours playing Beer Geek Sh1t Bingo.

rpadam
11-07-2013, 20:34
Just in case anybody missed it in Blogger - very funny

http://www.beerreviews.co.uk/beer/sh1t-beer-geeks-say/
A lot to choose from, but 'White Stout'!

oldboots
11-07-2013, 21:04
A lot to choose from, but 'White Stout'!

um

http://www.durhambrewery.co.uk/bottles/white-stout.aspx

rpadam
11-07-2013, 21:37
um

http://www.durhambrewery.co.uk/bottles/white-stout.aspx
Oh.. I suppose that means somebody, somewhere, is selling real ale under the 'Infected' label too!

hondo
09-08-2013, 07:55
"Bit silly this, wasn't it? And it must have given you a headache too."
http://www.thisiskent.co.uk/Man-fined-smashing-pot-head-bar/story-19638385-detail/story.html#axzz2bSLyB9ac

hondo
09-08-2013, 08:15
"combined and started pumping out toxic vapor"
http://www.medicaldaily.com/noxious-chlorine-gas-accidentally-synthesized-pub-worker-trying-clean-urinal-249877

oldboots
01-10-2013, 09:58
http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6921709/the-complete-guide-to-the-craft-beer-at-your-local-bar

hondo
01-10-2013, 12:39
"picked for his daughter were “truly fitting”"
http://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2013/10/landlord-names-new-baby-after-best-selling-drinks/

oldboots
22-11-2013, 07:50
“OFFSET” your excessive alcohol consumption by paying a man in Venezuela to remain teetotal. (from twitter)

oldboots
01-12-2013, 15:52
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4295198

hondo
23-12-2013, 12:48
"the moment a drinker got himself"
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2528373/Drinker-impaled-metal-spike-Fiddlers-Pub-Northampton.html

oldboots
04-01-2014, 08:10
https://twitter.com/andy56kipp/status/419187875721125888/photo/1

trainman
04-01-2014, 20:09
https://twitter.com/andy56kipp/status/419187875721125888/photo/1
Hahaha!!! tell that to Wallace, or Gromit, or ROBC! ...

hondo
07-02-2014, 07:21
" on the internet to deter"
http://www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/sickening-effects-of-neknomination-drinking-craze-1-3297437

oldboots
19-06-2014, 16:15
I'm easily pleased but some are good

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/41-funny-signs-youd-only-see-in-britain?bffbuk

ETA
19-06-2014, 19:28
I'm easily pleased but some are good

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/41-funny-signs-youd-only-see-in-britain?bffbuk

Not wishing to be picky...but if these signs are only see in Britain, why does Number 7 have the price in $?

Sorry.

hondo
22-09-2014, 09:20
"Eyre family and the ‘Where’s Wally?’ party"
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/09/22/wheres-wally-bachelor-party-gets-drunken-brawl-football-fans

aleandhearty
22-09-2014, 14:34
"Eyre family and the ‘Where’s Wally?’ party"
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/09/22/wheres-wally-bachelor-party-gets-drunken-brawl-football-fans

A group on the Yorkshire Ale trail getting into a fight? What a surprise.

Gann
22-09-2014, 15:45
A group on the Yorkshire Ale trail getting into a fight? What a surprise.

At the risk of alienating any PuG contributors, when looking at the number from each side who were found guilty of affray isn't it more accurate to say:

A group of Manchester United supporters getting into a fight? What a surprise !

I would take an educated guess that "Manchester United supporter John Eyre, who admitted to consuming a gallon of ale", mistook them for Sunderland fans..

aleandhearty
15-12-2014, 15:37
Shamelessly lifted from the Nov/Dec Edition of Tyke Taverner, the Bradford CAMRA magazine.

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream and shouts

"Ey up, cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin' watta fem theer. It's full o' hoss piss an' cow shite."

The man says "I'm from London, can you speak a bit slower please?"

The farmer replies "If-you-use-two-hands-you-won't spill-any!!!!"

Wittenden
15-12-2014, 17:45
Shamelessly lifted from the Nov/Dec Edition of Tyke Taverner, the Bradford CAMRA magazine.

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream and shouts

"Ey up, cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin' watta fem theer. It's full o' hoss piss an' cow shite."

The man says "I'm from London, can you speak a bit slower please?"

The farmer replies "If-you-use-two-hands-you-won't spill-any!!!!"

A good 'un. Saw it on twitter a couple of weeks back.Seems I follow a number of Yorkshire farmers and vermin catchers.

hondo
26-02-2015, 12:50
http://entertainment.ie/life/Watch-Robber-in-Drogheda-knocked-out-by-his-own-brick-as-he-tries-to-steal-car/348166.htm

hondo
08-12-2015, 08:20
http://www.westerngazette.co.uk/WATCH-Woman-s-Del-Boy-fall-outside-Chard/story-28297728-detail/story.html :ninja:

oldboots
05-02-2016, 08:57
One for Ale & Hearty perhaps although those over the hills on the dark side might appreciate it too. From the @visit_wakefield twitter feed.


1306

ROBCamra
05-02-2016, 09:10
One for Ale & Hearty perhaps although those over the hills on the dark side might appreciate it too. From the @visit_wakefield twitter feed.
1306

N/4 man, found in the Northern Quarters of Manchester, Leeds and even Bradford. :evilgrin:

Talking about Manchester's N/4 I called in the Blackjack Brewery Tap @ The Smithfield last Friday.

They've done a really good job with it. 3 Blackjack beers and 3 guests on my visit. :cheers:

oldboots
05-02-2016, 11:15
N/4 man, found in the Northern Quarters of Manchester, Leeds and even Bradford. :evilgrin:



Noooooo, ..............................OK, maybe in North Parade (where I spent Sunday afternoon :o ).

aleandhearty
07-02-2016, 17:37
One for Ale & Hearty perhaps although those over the hills on the dark side might appreciate it too. From the @visit_wakefield twitter feed.


1306

:D Made me laugh on several levels. Wakefield has always had a chip on its shoulder about being in Leeds' shadow regarding almost anything, but more importantly, he looks just like my younger daughter's boyfriend!

ROBCamra
12-05-2016, 10:19
Great comment online within 20 minutes of reports that Man United's bus had been smashed up.

Now United have 2 shit coaches. :evilgrin:

hondo
23-02-2017, 09:21
"may have noticed that the pubs can be home to some very strange sights indeed"
https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/2927743/the-most-bizarre-things-that-have-happened-in-wetherspoons-from-mass-brawls-to-weddings-over-a-pint/

ETA
13-07-2017, 22:11
I got really annoyed when I saw this thread was about buffaloes.

Today I was driving home and saw some Fresian cows in a field and I got annoyed with them too.

About a mile later I saw some Guernsey cattle. I stopped, got out of the car and yelled at them.

Then a Highland cow wandered into the road so I stood there screaming at it, telling it to go away.

Turns out I'm dairy-intolerent.

hondo
19-06-2018, 09:27
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5857921/England-fans-pack-pubs-Britain-Group-G-fixture-against-Tunisia.html

ETA
25-12-2018, 07:50
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas.

I'm having a Brexit Christmas this year - no Brussels.

sheffield hatter
25-12-2018, 16:22
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas.

I'm having a Brexit Christmas this year - no Brussels.

I'm a big fan of Brussels...

...I cook mine with ginger, walnuts and button mushrooms.

Aqualung
16-07-2019, 05:45
This post has nothing to do with beer or buffalos but does feature goats. I was half watching the BBC news channel yesterday when weather presenter Nick Miller came up with the worst joke I've heard in years. I know none of you want to hear it so here goes :-

Q: What do you call a lazy goat?

A: BILLY IDOL!


While on the subject of goats here's an undocumented anecdote from the distant path. The word is that the Late Keith Moon who was the drummer with the Who and something of a clown dubbed the late Robin Gibb who was one of the Bee Gees "The Singing Goat" due to his vibrato style of singing. I think ha also had a wispy beard!