View Full Version : The Differences between Men and Women.
I was in the process of adding a pack of London Pride by Paint Shop Pro to the picture Paris kindly provided in another thread and this little pearl of wisdom came to mind..
You've probably all heard it before but I thought I'd share it and start a new thread if anyone would like to contribute any others.
The way to a Womans Heart
Take her out to nice restaurants and be interested in her day
Remember aniversaries with flowers and a card,
Miss the football and cook her nice meals when she is sad.
Always spot when she has had her hair done.
Agree to stay in and cuddle up on the settee when she is mopey.
Remember her birthday and make breakfast on that day.
Buy her chocolates for no reason
Agree to go shopping with her on a saturday.
The way to a Mans Heart
Turn up naked with beer.
This may explain my current marital staus. :whistle:
This may explain my current marital staus. :whistle:
No Roger, with the greatest respect I think this may explain it........ :)
HER DIARY ENTRY: Saturday, 26th September 2010
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY ENTRY: Saturday, 26th September 2010
Spurs lost to West Ham.
Absolutely gutted.
Got a shag though.
aleandhearty
25-11-2010, 14:31
This is my favourite gag regarding the difference of the sexes. I'm sure most of you will have seen it, but for those that haven't...
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom..
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
This is my favourite gag regarding the difference of the sexes. I'm sure most of you will have seen it, but for those that haven't...
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom..
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6_GMZqZaTk&feature=fvst
aleandhearty
25-11-2010, 14:57
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6_GMZqZaTk&feature=fvst
:D Hadn't seen that before, but should have guessed it would be on there somewhere!
Evil Gazebo
25-11-2010, 15:07
...
These may help explain it
Here (http://www.stuff-about.com/2010/04/male-brain-vs-female-brain.html)
Here
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aTOWvAWGvfQ/S6-kxovfH9I/AAAAAAAAAJw/BNLdb2Xue1M/s1600/male_and_female_brains_118055.jpg)
Here (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PRBO0pRt8yc/SFU80-Ac8yI/AAAAAAAAALQ/FqJ0NpX08x8/s400/man+vs+women.jpg)
Here (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v130/Mindcrime7/2009/Mallmap.gif)
And here (http://thetrawbros.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/jessica-alba-bikini-07.jpg)[clean, but not if boss is looking over your shoulder]
oldboots
25-11-2010, 16:47
As an engineer I think this says it all
440
or maybe this.....
441
arwkrite
25-11-2010, 16:54
Sex or beer ?
Descision, Descisions, Descisions.;)
As for Women ....you can read all you like.....even ask them what they want...the Male will never fulfill their dreams.:notworthy:
Just go along with the idea that when you first met she must have seen something in you that she liked....or was very drunk at the time.:cheers:
WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
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