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03-11-2023, 10:12
Visit Beer Compurgation (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2023/11/they-had-their-issues-so.html)
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMwZq-FitOJYFnSoWvF9UMVStqIn8yA-I5vxgb3hJCqzYdExaQZk1b1ax1tVAQSv7-ExTe0t6bytx951AyOjohqmYWh-PUtLDLRDswjycmNqZarPCE753j3JhPlYATYaUYvG-wQZVgOpH5WO_mJekBRmoBQvln6VPK-U49ab3H5pWIBiXyLpnD2Pr/w640-h408/Capture2.JPG (https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMwZq-FitOJYFnSoWvF9UMVStqIn8yA-I5vxgb3hJCqzYdExaQZk1b1ax1tVAQSv7-ExTe0t6bytx951AyOjohqmYWh-PUtLDLRDswjycmNqZarPCE753j3JhPlYATYaUYvG-wQZVgOpH5WO_mJekBRmoBQvln6VPK-U49ab3H5pWIBiXyLpnD2Pr/s658/Capture2.JPG)
There’s a set of garages to rent as storageunits near my workplace. One of them is taken by a local florist that uses itto store flower arrangements for various events, that are more often than notfunerals.
As such, at least once a week at 8am I willpass a car being loaded up with flowers arranged into heart shaped patterns orthe letters M U M. It is a grounding reminder that, as I mentally grumble myway through the upcoming arbitrary grievances of my ordinary working day, agroup of family and friends locally is going through the hardest time. Itprovides much needed perspective on days when I could do with being reminded ofall that I have to be thankful for.
These little moments explain to me why it ispossible for us to share a communal loss when a celebrity passes away. Grief isoften a personal and lonely experience, shared between a minority of people inyour life. When a co-worker loses a relative or friend, it has little affect onme, bar signing off a holiday form and a quick condolence. “My thoughts arewith you” I’ll message, but the sad truth is that within seconds their grief isfar from my mind. This is just the way that it is for all.
But the nature of celebrity allows people togrieve in unison. You feel a little silly for being sad that somebody who onceplayed for your football team or starred in a sitcom that you enjoyed has gone,as you never knew them in real terms. But when your social media is full ofsimilar grief being shared by people that are friends, or your favouritesinger, or even that person that you know from Beer Twitter, then theexperience is a collective. It is unique. It is different to that of aloss of a dear uncle or an old university friend that others around you didn'tknow.
Unfortunately, when addiction and suicide areinvolved, it allows for other characteristics to surface.
"We swallow our feelings, even if it means we're unhappy forever" - Chandler Bing
At time of writing, there is no confirmationof the cause of death of Matthew Perry (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-67252752) - beloved actor best know for playingChandler Bing in the sitcom Friends. But there is enough hearsay to causeonline discussion. What we do know is that Perry suffered with addictionthroughout his adult life, as detailed in his own memoir, as well as acrossnumerous interviews. Perry was open about his struggles in his quest torecover, but also to help others in similar situations.
There is a term used for the likes of MatthewPerry, that is meant by those that use it to be a kindly description of theirinternal struggles – "A Troubled Soul." This phrase is often broughtout for those suffering with addictions, or behavioural problems, or MentalHealth issues. It is a blanket definition of people that are different.Not bad people. Just different. Struggling. The people that use it don’t meanto be unkind or condescending.
The problem is that when people hear of a“Troubled Soul” passing then the reaction includes another phrase: “They hadtheir issues, so…”
So… what?
To use a Friends quote: “What is the end of that sentence?” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBEFqvzOuXs)
So… it is good that they died?
So… they couldn’t be saved?
So… they deserved it?
People mean a mixture of all of those things.And it isn't okay.
Similarly to the use of “Troubled Soul,” mostpeople are not intentionally alluding to issues that they may have had in lifein a malicious way. People are trying to express their feelings as general hopethat the person has found peace at last. I understand this.
But the approach to addiction, or MentalHealth problems, or suicidal thoughts shouldn’t be to hope that people findpeace through the afterlife or assume that there is only one way out, otherwiseany of us that suffer should give up now. These are the reasons that westruggle to talk more openly about it.
There’s an extra hurt feeling for those of usthat suffer from some of the same issues as somebody that passes; especiallywhen that problem is linked to the cause of death. As I wrote about when Anthony Bourdain passed (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2018/06/trying-to-cope-with-suicidal-thoughts.html), there's collective pain for all survivors.
Hearing others try and empathise by suggestingthat this was the only solution is extra painful.
"You’re just a person who is talking whois wrong" - Matthew Perry
Part of me wishes that I hadn’t come acrossthis table discussion with Matthew Perry and pretend journalist Peter Hitchens (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDtIZZiySgA),but it is worth watching as it shows so much of the stigma and grossmisunderstanding of alcoholism and other addictions. I’ve raised before how, (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2021/11/we-need-to-change-how-we-talk-about.html)even within the small online beer communities, the way alcoholism is perceivedis both wrong and disgusting. It is difficult to be cured when so many refuseto understand. They have their depiction of an alcoholic and the causes of itand stick resolutely to it. It could never be them, they seemingly think, andso it is the fault of the addict.
You just need to have the will power to stopis a sentiment that I’ve heard too many times. It is a statement that, thoughworded differently, I have seen on my beer forums frequently.It is worryingthat it can still exist so prominently in our little communities.
Perhaps it is less surprising to see it pop upin my Whatsapp groups with various friends. Not a single incident or deathmanages to avoid the Meme treatment within certain groups, and I actually foundout about Perry's death via a distasteful "joke" landing in mymessages.
Maybe some reading this will be horrified butmost will be familiar with the practice. I'm not going to fall out with friendsof mine for their crap taste in humour. But I do note that, despite knowing myhistory and issues, they still think it acceptable to drop these images intogroups that I am a part of. I know to never turn to them if I find myself stoodat the end of that metaphorical and physical bridge again. They could behorrified by their actions reading this or they might think that I should lightenup; the damage is done either way.
The language that we use around sensitivematters is important. If you truly care about your friends and loved ones whomay have serious Mental Health issues or problems with Addiction then you'llstart to consider the cure more than the outcome. When Alcohol killed my Dad itwas easy to say that he "found peace," but that was not thepreferable outcome. He may have been a "troubled soul" but we didn'twant him to find peace away from this physical plain - we wanted him to find ithere. There is little comfort to be taken from those words.
I find myself sad over a celebrity deathagain; a reminder of the fight so many are facing. It hurts. It hurts to knowthat, despite the face of the struggle, we can still lose. I don't want tolose. I want to be here a little longer. I want to be Mark Johnson. Or evenJohn Markson.
It begins with listening to others.
More... (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2023/11/they-had-their-issues-so.html)
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMwZq-FitOJYFnSoWvF9UMVStqIn8yA-I5vxgb3hJCqzYdExaQZk1b1ax1tVAQSv7-ExTe0t6bytx951AyOjohqmYWh-PUtLDLRDswjycmNqZarPCE753j3JhPlYATYaUYvG-wQZVgOpH5WO_mJekBRmoBQvln6VPK-U49ab3H5pWIBiXyLpnD2Pr/w640-h408/Capture2.JPG (https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMwZq-FitOJYFnSoWvF9UMVStqIn8yA-I5vxgb3hJCqzYdExaQZk1b1ax1tVAQSv7-ExTe0t6bytx951AyOjohqmYWh-PUtLDLRDswjycmNqZarPCE753j3JhPlYATYaUYvG-wQZVgOpH5WO_mJekBRmoBQvln6VPK-U49ab3H5pWIBiXyLpnD2Pr/s658/Capture2.JPG)
There’s a set of garages to rent as storageunits near my workplace. One of them is taken by a local florist that uses itto store flower arrangements for various events, that are more often than notfunerals.
As such, at least once a week at 8am I willpass a car being loaded up with flowers arranged into heart shaped patterns orthe letters M U M. It is a grounding reminder that, as I mentally grumble myway through the upcoming arbitrary grievances of my ordinary working day, agroup of family and friends locally is going through the hardest time. Itprovides much needed perspective on days when I could do with being reminded ofall that I have to be thankful for.
These little moments explain to me why it ispossible for us to share a communal loss when a celebrity passes away. Grief isoften a personal and lonely experience, shared between a minority of people inyour life. When a co-worker loses a relative or friend, it has little affect onme, bar signing off a holiday form and a quick condolence. “My thoughts arewith you” I’ll message, but the sad truth is that within seconds their grief isfar from my mind. This is just the way that it is for all.
But the nature of celebrity allows people togrieve in unison. You feel a little silly for being sad that somebody who onceplayed for your football team or starred in a sitcom that you enjoyed has gone,as you never knew them in real terms. But when your social media is full ofsimilar grief being shared by people that are friends, or your favouritesinger, or even that person that you know from Beer Twitter, then theexperience is a collective. It is unique. It is different to that of aloss of a dear uncle or an old university friend that others around you didn'tknow.
Unfortunately, when addiction and suicide areinvolved, it allows for other characteristics to surface.
"We swallow our feelings, even if it means we're unhappy forever" - Chandler Bing
At time of writing, there is no confirmationof the cause of death of Matthew Perry (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-67252752) - beloved actor best know for playingChandler Bing in the sitcom Friends. But there is enough hearsay to causeonline discussion. What we do know is that Perry suffered with addictionthroughout his adult life, as detailed in his own memoir, as well as acrossnumerous interviews. Perry was open about his struggles in his quest torecover, but also to help others in similar situations.
There is a term used for the likes of MatthewPerry, that is meant by those that use it to be a kindly description of theirinternal struggles – "A Troubled Soul." This phrase is often broughtout for those suffering with addictions, or behavioural problems, or MentalHealth issues. It is a blanket definition of people that are different.Not bad people. Just different. Struggling. The people that use it don’t meanto be unkind or condescending.
The problem is that when people hear of a“Troubled Soul” passing then the reaction includes another phrase: “They hadtheir issues, so…”
So… what?
To use a Friends quote: “What is the end of that sentence?” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBEFqvzOuXs)
So… it is good that they died?
So… they couldn’t be saved?
So… they deserved it?
People mean a mixture of all of those things.And it isn't okay.
Similarly to the use of “Troubled Soul,” mostpeople are not intentionally alluding to issues that they may have had in lifein a malicious way. People are trying to express their feelings as general hopethat the person has found peace at last. I understand this.
But the approach to addiction, or MentalHealth problems, or suicidal thoughts shouldn’t be to hope that people findpeace through the afterlife or assume that there is only one way out, otherwiseany of us that suffer should give up now. These are the reasons that westruggle to talk more openly about it.
There’s an extra hurt feeling for those of usthat suffer from some of the same issues as somebody that passes; especiallywhen that problem is linked to the cause of death. As I wrote about when Anthony Bourdain passed (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2018/06/trying-to-cope-with-suicidal-thoughts.html), there's collective pain for all survivors.
Hearing others try and empathise by suggestingthat this was the only solution is extra painful.
"You’re just a person who is talking whois wrong" - Matthew Perry
Part of me wishes that I hadn’t come acrossthis table discussion with Matthew Perry and pretend journalist Peter Hitchens (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDtIZZiySgA),but it is worth watching as it shows so much of the stigma and grossmisunderstanding of alcoholism and other addictions. I’ve raised before how, (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2021/11/we-need-to-change-how-we-talk-about.html)even within the small online beer communities, the way alcoholism is perceivedis both wrong and disgusting. It is difficult to be cured when so many refuseto understand. They have their depiction of an alcoholic and the causes of itand stick resolutely to it. It could never be them, they seemingly think, andso it is the fault of the addict.
You just need to have the will power to stopis a sentiment that I’ve heard too many times. It is a statement that, thoughworded differently, I have seen on my beer forums frequently.It is worryingthat it can still exist so prominently in our little communities.
Perhaps it is less surprising to see it pop upin my Whatsapp groups with various friends. Not a single incident or deathmanages to avoid the Meme treatment within certain groups, and I actually foundout about Perry's death via a distasteful "joke" landing in mymessages.
Maybe some reading this will be horrified butmost will be familiar with the practice. I'm not going to fall out with friendsof mine for their crap taste in humour. But I do note that, despite knowing myhistory and issues, they still think it acceptable to drop these images intogroups that I am a part of. I know to never turn to them if I find myself stoodat the end of that metaphorical and physical bridge again. They could behorrified by their actions reading this or they might think that I should lightenup; the damage is done either way.
The language that we use around sensitivematters is important. If you truly care about your friends and loved ones whomay have serious Mental Health issues or problems with Addiction then you'llstart to consider the cure more than the outcome. When Alcohol killed my Dad itwas easy to say that he "found peace," but that was not thepreferable outcome. He may have been a "troubled soul" but we didn'twant him to find peace away from this physical plain - we wanted him to find ithere. There is little comfort to be taken from those words.
I find myself sad over a celebrity deathagain; a reminder of the fight so many are facing. It hurts. It hurts to knowthat, despite the face of the struggle, we can still lose. I don't want tolose. I want to be here a little longer. I want to be Mark Johnson. Or evenJohn Markson.
It begins with listening to others.
More... (http://www.beercompurgation.co.uk/2023/11/they-had-their-issues-so.html)