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View Full Version : Things you've overheard in a pub



Millay
08-04-2012, 12:38
Wonderful conversation going on here between a group of septagenerians (sp?).

The Nazis and Cameron are the same , the Nazis killed people because they were evil, Cameron kills people who are poor, he's the most evil man in politics.

Fantastic stuff

Strongers
08-04-2012, 12:50
Nearly, septuagenarian.

Rex_Rattus
08-04-2012, 13:28
I was in a pub recently when the only other occupants of the pub at a nearby table were clearly the new owner/management of The Wenlock Arms, and they were discussing their future plans for the pub. My notes on the pub I was in were quite sparse as I couldn't help overhearing their conversation and it was more interesting than what I was trying to write! I felt quite heartened by the time I left.

NickDavies
08-04-2012, 19:01
Drifting slightly, unless you were in a pub frequented by Splodgenessabounds (http://www.songlyrics.com/splodgenessabounds/two-pints-of-lager-and-a-packet-of-crisps-lyrics/), saying "two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please" was deemed a perfectly reasonable way of commencing proceedings. Then came the need to preface it with "can I get" and the requirement of many to use the word 'like' at least two times per subordinate clause. Lately it appears we must preface every sentence with "so". So nowadays, you hear people saying "So like can I get like two bottles of like Corona with the like lime in and some like stuffed olives please?" Splodgenessabounds would never have written their song today.

Maldenman
08-04-2012, 21:58
Nick.

Thank you. "Can I get" makes my blood boil, I'd love to be serving and say "No You "F*^"&*Ng can't.

And breathe, one, two, .....

trainman
09-04-2012, 08:11
"Can I get" makes my blood boil

Indeed, but not so much as catching myself saying it!
Oh, the shame, when that somehow inveigles its way into my bar vocabulary. Be speech vigilant tm!

Oggwyn Trench
09-04-2012, 08:47
Couple overheard telling friends about their weekend away "York was beautifull , lots of old narrow streets and quaint old pubs selling that old fashioned real ale , glad to be back could`nt get a decent pint of Carling cold anywhere !"

AlanH
09-04-2012, 09:58
Man next to me in Little B in Sale, handing a pint, with over one inch of head, back to barmaid,
"Will you give me a top up please."

Barmaid, handing it back
"Can you drink some of the froth off it first!"

Old Blue
10-04-2012, 01:05
Nick.

Thank you. "Can I get" makes my blood boil, I'd love to be serving and say "No You "F*^"&*Ng can't.

A perfectly acceptable response I've heard is "No you can't, but if you'd like one I could get it for you"

aleandhearty
10-04-2012, 13:30
The 'trouble and strife' and I once sat behind this young couple, deep in conversation. Overhearing such snippets 'as teaching you different techniques' and the girl pleading for her man to be gentle with her, we were convinced they were talking about sex. After five minutes or so of hilarious misunderstanding, we finally realised they were talking about karate!

Old Blue
23-05-2012, 09:44
Exchange in a Sheps pub last night, which had four of their ales available-

Customer: 'What's the Whitstable Bay like?'
Barman: 'It's Shepherd Neame so they all taste the same'

The barman went on to explain that he doesn't like Sheps beer: 'I don't drink it - I only look after it'

Perhaps unsurprisingly, they did all turn out to be pretty much the same.

Millay
24-05-2012, 14:25
Exchange in a Sheps pub last night, which had four of their ales available-

Customer: 'What's the Whitstable Bay like?'
Barman: 'It's Shepherd Neame so they all taste the same'

The barman went on to explain that he doesn't like Sheps beer: 'I don't drink it - I only look after it'

Perhaps unsurprisingly, they did all turn out to be pretty much the same.

That's pretty much my experience with Sheps as well, perhaps with the exceptiln of Bishops Finger. Never really liked their beers.

Wittenden
24-05-2012, 17:59
That's pretty much my experience with Sheps as well, perhaps with the exceptiln of Bishops Finger. Never really liked their beers.

Living where I do, I have to like 'em!I don't care for Spitfire, and usually go for the seasonals, though Late Red was disappointing last time. On a good day, and well kept, Master Brew isn't a bad cooking bitter. I'm told that the beers produced on the pilot plant at Faversham are more "interesting", though they aren't readily available, at least in our local.That said, I don't run after their beer, especially out of county.Some of Sheps country pubs are epic, and I don't let my ambivalence to the beer put me of them.

Farway
24-05-2012, 22:05
Living where I do, I have to like 'em! That said, I don't run after their beer, especially out of county.Some of Sheps country pubs are epic, and I don't let my ambivalence to the beer put me of them.

Sounds a bit like Gale's, aka Fuller's around here, not a lot of choice really [only a couple of miles from the old brewery, so most pubs are ex Gale's]

That said, most pints of HSB are still OK

Millay
03-06-2012, 13:55
Three 60 something blokes here talking bollocks - literally. "Why is it that sometimes they're tight nd sometimes they hang right down" is just one of their comments and the only one i think i can submit to print. It's putting me off my beer a bit !

Mobyduck
06-06-2012, 20:25
This one goes back a while in my local , Frank who more often than not goes for the strongest ale available comes in an hour or so late.Landlord- your a bit late tonight Frank, yes Frank replies ,I've just been staring out the cat,this scarily is very beliveable with Frank but just one example of what makes a pub a good place to be.

Mobyduck
14-06-2012, 20:27
Another conversation,same pub another character(this pub is loaded with them).Tim, normally turns up reasonably smart if not a little eccentrically attired ,gets most of his stuff from the charity shop, overheard him telling someone he found some very smart shoes in said shop,only problem was they were golfing shoes and were furnished with studs/spikes,not sure which.Anyhow he went on to explain how he spent a couple of hours or more filing off the offending appendages until upon reaching the final one realized they simply unscrewed,unbelievable but a true story apart from Tim's name which I've changed to spare some blushes, waste of time really as any one from my local will recognize who it is immediately. :confused:

arwkrite
16-06-2012, 21:28
My local has a little group who are big on conspiracy theories . Anything from little green men to how Wetherspoons are into mind control. No wonder I drink to forget.

Mobyduck
16-06-2012, 22:42
Was in the Spread Eagle in Wandsworth a year or so ago with three mates, the round had just been deliverd to the bar,one mate takes a sip and discovers a rather sour pint,says to the young barmaid ,"excuse me this pints off",to which she replied,"no its not its only just gone on":confused:, luckily the manager was at hand and normal service was shortly resumed.

Alesonly
17-06-2012, 09:33
When I was living just off Philip Lane in Tottenham around 35 years ago I used to drink in some of the rough old boozers around there most now long gone. In one Tottenham Boozer a good few years ago I over heard this. Are you the Guy whos looking for a piece. ( yes thats me ) I think Ive got what you looking for if you want to come round back for a quick Butchers. A quick downing of Pint in one gulp and exit never to return. :eek:

Millay
20-06-2012, 19:46
Just now, "If it was malaria you'd know by now". Rather worryingly it was two guys coming out of the Gents

AlanH
20-06-2012, 20:17
Two of the old locals in an ex keg Whitbread house (The Brigadier (http://www.pubsgalore.co.uk/pubs/60108/)) that had just been bought by Holts.
1st man "What do you think of the new ale?"

2nd man (slowly thinking) "I don't know......it tastes sort of........Beery!

Oggwyn Trench
20-06-2012, 20:56
Two well :nishelypished: young ladies

1st" How come your on lager , not cider like normal "

2nd "its not as strong , i am pregnant !"

Al 10000
21-06-2012, 16:56
I did'nt overhear this in a pub but was told to my face.
Me and a mate were trying to do all the pubs in Ramsgate and were in the Nodding Donkey we asked the chap behind the bar "how many pubs are there in Ramsgate" before he could reply a local butted in and said "there are over a Thousand pubs in Ramsgate" we creased up laughing.

ROBCamra
22-06-2012, 12:01
Three blokes talking in the pub, one of whom was in a wheelchair.

The guy in the chair says "The doctor thinks I might have diabetes"

One of his mates says "That affects your feet and legs doesn't it?"

Chair guy says " I haven't got any f**king legs have I"

So his mate says "Well you can't have diabetes then can you"

I'm not sure they have this medical condition fully sussed yet. :evilgrin:

Soup Dragon
22-06-2012, 12:36
A place in Leeds (i think the Scarboro').

In Yorkshire accents -

Girl 1: Well, Claire said......
Girl 2: Who is Claire
Girl 1: You know Claire - she likes it up the a**e, a lot apparently
Girl 2: Ooh! That Claire

Now i have heard a lot of ways to describe people, but that is a new one. I had to bite my finger to stop laughing out loud

Mobyduck
22-06-2012, 18:13
A place in Leeds (i think the Scarboro').

In Yorkshire accents -

Girl 1: Well, Claire said......
Girl 2: Who is Claire
Girl 1: You know Claire - she likes it up the a**e, a lot apparently
Girl 2: Ooh! That Claire

Now i have heard a lot of ways to describe people, but that is a new one. I had to bite my finger to stop laughing out loud
To quote Jones From Dads Army, "they don't like it up em. :whistle:

Wittenden
22-06-2012, 21:20
Spoken by a lady in a pub outside York who'd been commentating on our food order to her silent and long suffering husband: "Ham and pea soup, that's my worst nightmare."

Bucking Fastard
23-06-2012, 01:14
The scene..... a first time entry into the 2012 GBG somewhere in London,Friday night 10pm.

BF "I think this pint is not quire right,unlike the others of this brew that I have been drinking all night"

Barman (with a beard and Black Sheep sweat shirt) "If I had served you that in a tankard you wouldn't have noticed"

BF "That is as maybe,but it doesn't look right to me "

Barman " Well I nudged the barrel to see how much is left,but it has a "self levelling" devise,so it will clear in 10 minutes"

BF "Mmm" and returns to seat with said dodgy pint to comtemplate his fate.

7 minutes later with everyone staring at the undrunk pint and with the other bar staff starting to panic in case we are the CAMRA beer police (which we are not)

Barman "How about something else......"

Other bar staff quickly reverse pump clip.

Soup Dragon
23-06-2012, 09:55
The scene..... a first time entry into the 2012 GBG somewhere in London,Friday night 10pm.

BF "I think this pint is not quire right,unlike the others of this brew that I have been drinking all night"

Barman (with a beard and Black Sheep sweat shirt) "If I had served you that in a tankard you wouldn't have noticed"

BF "That is as maybe,but it doesn't look right to me "

Barman " Well I nudged the barrel to see how much is left,but it has a "self levelling" devise,so it will clear in 10 minutes"

BF "Mmm" and returns to seat with said dodgy pint to comtemplate his fate.

7 minutes later with everyone staring at the undrunk pint and with the other bar staff starting to panic in case we are the CAMRA beer police (which we are not)

Barman "How about something else......"

Other bar staff quickly reverse pump clip.

Hi Captain, that reminds me of an incident a few years back at a pub in Whitby.... it was a keg pub and we tried the Tetley Imperial there, which was really poor. I took it to the barmaid, who directed me to the gaffer..... it sort of went like this as memory serves

SD: Hello, i think your Imperial is a little off... would you care to try it?
Gaffer: (After sip) Tastes alright to me, i have been serving it all night and nobody has complained
SD: (After a visiual scan around the room) With respect, there isn't anyone in
Gaffer: With respect, they left before you arrived
SD: I can't imagine why they left - but i bid you goodnight and feel free to finish the beer.

Strongers
23-06-2012, 20:26
Pub in Eastbourne.

Guy 1 "Lofty died"
Guy 2 "who's Lofty?"
Guy 1 "that tall bloke who drinks in here"
Guy 2 "oh that Lofty, ain't seen him for ages. How is he?"
Guy 1 says "he's dead" before walking to toilet shaking his head.
Guy 3 "who's Lofty"
Guy 2 "f*ck knows"

Oggwyn Trench
24-06-2012, 11:44
Having a beer on called Ball Relief brought out the child in everyone last night :D

Customer " can i have Ball Relief "

Barman " Sorry Sir its not that sort of pub "

ROBCamra
24-06-2012, 12:12
Having a beer on called Ball Relief brought out the child in everyone last night :D

Customer " can i have Ball Relief "

Barman " Sorry Sir its not that sort of pub "

Similar childish fun when Green Duck, Duck Blonde was on the bar.

e.g. Can I have a duck please, Becky?

Hang on, John wants one too, can he have a duck as well? :evilgrin:

Millay
24-06-2012, 13:18
Similar childish fun when Green Duck, Duck Blonde was on the bar.

e.g. Can I have a duck please, Becky?

Hang on, John wants one too, can he have a duck as well? :evilgrin:

And my favourite Brewdog beer is another one. "Is the Trashy Blonde on tonight"? , "No, she only works weekends".

Mobyduck
24-06-2012, 17:41
And my favourite Brewdog beer is another one. "Is the Trashy Blonde on tonight"? , "No, she only works weekends".

So are we talking about something for the weekend sir ? ;)

Farway
25-06-2012, 14:52
This lunchtime, young, loud, bloke at bar talking to fellow drinker

YLB - I went to Royal Ascot last week, fully suited & booted with mates

FD - mmmm

YLB - Someone said I will only give you one tip, put it on number xxx in the xxx

FD -mmmm

YLB - It was 14 to 1, most put £100 on, made over £1K each

FD - mmmm

Me - under breath, f***k, wish I had known ;)

Oggwyn Trench
30-06-2012, 16:27
Two well spoken middle aged blokes in the Station last night , asked Liz the barmaid for a pen and paper , and started doing some working out

" OK the first round was £4.60 , i brought that , you brought the second £4.50 , the third was mine £4.80 then you got another £4.50 , the next one was mine at £5.60 and this one is £5.30 , i reckon you owe me 70p "


And a bit later in the Crown , a couple of engineer types

" If the poles too stiff the crack will distort and get too wet "

Millay
08-07-2012, 13:11
A guy who specifically asked the barstaff which screen the F1 was going to be on has just said to his mate "so which country is this coming from then, where's Silverstone". Then followed it up with "Does the one that won the last race start first in this one". It sounds like he has an Irish accent .

Mobyduck
08-08-2012, 21:19
Chatting to an occasional regular in my local recently, "Big Reg" . A likeable chap and always got a joke or story to have a laugh about,he can also drink for England ,but that's another story. The problem with Reg is he can get a bit loud and his laugh resembles a jackhammer,only earwax shatteringly louder. He always laughs at his jokes and when he's had a few,which is nearly every time I see him ,he will tell the joke several times over the course of the night,the decibels go up each time.Anyway on this occasion he told me what happened to him while having a drink one evening in a pub in Farnham,he was stood in the bar with a couple of friends no doubt telling a couple of jokes with the obvious consenquence's when they were ejected from the pub,asking for an explanation he was told your laughing too loud. He later told me he wouldn't have minded but it was happy hour. Barred for being happy in happy hour,you couldn't make it up. I'm not sure if he did or not but I can well believe its true. :D

Millay
11-08-2012, 17:53
In the fairly upmarket Cafe Solo in Gibraltar, "Do you want anything at Morrisons, should I get a four pack of pot noodles?". You can take the Chav out of Liverpool but .........

Millay
29-08-2012, 19:22
Sitting here having a beer next to an animated couple in their mid twenties. Problem is they are Chinese, or possibly Korean, so J have no idea what they are saying. I thought it was worthy of a post though as he is drinking halves of OJ and she is drinking pints of real ale. Go Girl !!

Al 10000
09-09-2012, 17:10
We was in The Stanhope Arms (http://www.pubsgalore.co.uk/pubs/7443/) yesterday dinner when a people started coming in for drinks before going to a wedding with the church being nearby,a couple arrived a bit later than the rest they were in their mid 50s and they ordered two pints of lager when everbody was leaving to go to the church,the husband said to his wife " what shall we do with these pints now" wife says "we'll take them to the church with us" husband " good idea".
Thats what i call a proper pair of P*** Heads.

london calling
20-10-2012, 22:36
euston tap
the beer -huhnhenn-d.r.i.p.a. 9.5
customer-which country is the huhnhenn brewery from
barman-its american and the beer is a double rice ipa but dont ask me what the initials stand for
customer -what about double rice ipa
barman-its been a long day.
cheers

Millay
11-02-2019, 16:19
Resurrecting this old thread. Bloke comes in with his wife and two young kids. Comes to the bar, where they have 5 handpumps, and says "I think I'll have something different, I'll have a Doombar" 🙄. But then he orders crisps for the kids and asks for cheese and onion, only to be told "we have plain cheese". OK, one of those and a salt & vinegar. And then it gets funnier as the barmaid said "we have plain salt or plain vinegar" . He says I'll have a vinegar, and we exchange WTF glances. Maybe this is some sort of Vegan/Gluten/Snowflake thing, but it made me chuckle.

NickDavies
11-02-2019, 17:15
Resurrecting this old thread. Bloke comes in with his wife and two young kids. Comes to the bar, where they have 5 handpumps, and says "I think I'll have something different, I'll have a Doombar" . But then he orders crisps for the kids and asks for cheese and onion, only to be told "we have plain cheese". OK, one of those and a salt & vinegar. And then it gets funnier as the barmaid said "we have plain salt or plain vinegar" . He says I'll have a vinegar, and we exchange WTF glances. Maybe this is some sort of Vegan/Gluten/Snowflake thing, but it made me chuckle.

I used to call in a pub where whe asking for a packet of cheese and onion you always got offered 'cheap' or 'posh', cheap being Walker's and posh being one of the fancy brands. Might have been to do with that.